It is very difficult for me to see how a Hindu in India could have ever, at one time, understood, embraced and practiced the Kama Sutra let alone the Tantric Arts. It is as though sexuality, regardless of any sacred aspect, is something so course here that it has been reduced to staring at women’s breasts, teasing and intimidating and generally playing for the fool any woman who might happen to simply walk by. It’s very hard to handle.
I have my tall, gorgeous, twenty-three year old daughter with me as I’m traveling through India. She is an intrepid traveler, going places on her own I could only dream of being brave enough to go to but she is often brought to her edge by Indian men. And women. The men won’t let her be. There is always some man, young or old, who is outright staring at her, bumping her or harassing her. It’s sad and alarming. It makes travel here uncomfortable a lot of the time. I even get some of it myself, at my age. It has put us in deep wonder about women’s lives here.
Women in the villages and small towns, which is most women, won’t come out of their dark, smoky, hidden little kitchens if the men are around. They won’t look at you, acknowledge you or stick around if we two women come near. If the men are gone to the fields or away sitting talking with other men, which is what they all seem to be doing all of the time in the cities, all breaks open with the women. They come out – really OUT. It’s like night and day.
So many times while traveling we have had this same thing happen. The women are chatty, curious and aggressive – to the point of being scary sometimes – but only if their men are far away. We have been pinched, poked, prodded and cajoled. We have been asked to give up our clothing, jewelry, scarves, pens and anything else that appealed and looked like something they could tell a good story about later. Luckily, we all have laughed together a lot, too, during these encounters. You have to be able to laugh – a lot – at yourself and at the situation. It is the best policy by far.
But what does this mean for their intimate lives? And how, as women, do we understand and accept the fact that in EVERY family, whether villagers or city folk, there is NEVER more than one girl among the children? There are always three to four or more boys of varying ages but never more than one girl. She is often the oldest or second to oldest, too.
What this tells us is that Indian women, whether Hindu or Muslim, must decide how to let their girls go. They get to keep one, only one. Older is better as she’ll be of valuable help to the mother, but after SHE is born there must be now only boys. Can you even imagine what that must feel like? I can’t even fathom it. I’m the mother of three girls and no boys. When I say that, which I do often, I get a sad, poor me kind of face from everyone. I am defective they think. How is this possible, they are wondering.
Imagine killing your daughters. You get just one, remember. Do you give that first one you don’t get to keep to your powerful mother-in-law, who had to do the same with her ‘extra’ girls? Do you be brave and leave her outside, under a bush, away from your home a bit, so you won’t think about it? How can you not think about it? Ever. What about the next and the next? How many times does an Indian woman have to do this in her life? She has to live through nine months of a pregnancy then, not knowing if it is a girl or that wanted boy, go through birth just to have a fifty-percent chance of starting all over again, very soon, to try again for that boy. If there are an average of four boys in a family and one girl then she might have had to do it maybe four or five times in her life. Just don’t attend the new baby girl - leave her, nature will do the rest. Does that make the one girl that does get to survive thankful – is she burdened at a very young age with that thought?
It is all too much for me sometimes. I can’t fathom it. It is because of money – the dowry. It is a burden on families to have to come up with a big pay-off for the girl to get married. Sometimes, even after that, the family is haunted by their new in-laws and their daughter’s husband to give more – the first wasn’t enough. It can drive women to suicide or worst, murder on the part of the husband or his family.
I know that balance is within me. I know that everything is perfect, just the way it is. The Universe is perfect. And yet, I can’t balance this. It doesn’t compute. Sorry for my rants. I know it isn’t very ‘sexy’ but it is THE WAY in the land of the Kama Sutra. I am wondering about sex now. What is that like for Indian men and women?
Love,
Suzie
11/2/07
I'm in India at the temples in the town of Khajuraho
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10/4/07
Alchemy – A powerful transformation that is a universal cure for the body, mind and spirit.
How does one become an alchemist? In what ways have you transformed yourself? Have you moved through a restraint, a negative personal experience or a handicap that has informed you on a new level? Have you been an alchemist in your life?
Mother Gaia is moving once more through the seasons with the Equinox having just passed. For some of us the nights will grow shorter and the season will move to Spring and then Summer. For others of us the nights will be longer and we will move into the darkness of Fall and then Winter. This is a potent alchemical time whichever season you are moving into. Change is a-foot and the opportunity to create transformation is close. I’m sure you can feel its presence.
It is a potent practice to understand how you personally move through change. In this busy world you probably barely have time to get your bed made let alone take some time to be with change. It tends to happen to you instead of you guiding yourself to and through it. Being aware of the times, moments, situations that have the potential to transform us is a learned mastery but there are ways to facilitate the change so that it is transformational and expansive. Understanding your own nature – what feels good and right to you – is one of the highest accomplishments you can perform in your life.
Each breath you take is an alchemical process. You take in the life giving air and your body uses it in a myriad of ways to give your cells the nourishment they need to sustain you. Your out-breath, in turn, nourishes plant life and the processes that are outside of ‘you’. Yet these processes are you. You are tied to the bigger picture. You are an alchemist in nature.
When you pause during your day to just ‘be’ with all that is going on in your world you are being an alchemist. You are taking everything in and allowing a moment for integration to occur. Your yoga, meditation or even exercise practice is alchemical. Many different processes are going on in your body/mind/spirit during activities like these even if it is simply five minutes of presences and awareness of what ‘is’.
In your deepest relationships you are the alchemist when you choose compassion and love in the face of adversity and angst. Seeing through a lover’s complaint to the hurt is alchemy. Holding an aging parent’s hand through a difficult transition with patience rather than guilt or resentment is alchemy. Learning new things in the face of not really knowing why you must do it is alchemy. Every moment has the possibility of being the Alchemist’s tool for transformation.
Creating a practice of noticing more often when alchemy is happening and how to actually court it is the process of becoming the best ‘you’ you can be. Acknowledge it when you see it. Call it to you when you can’t see it. Create ritual to acknowledge alchemical transformation. Cultivate consciousness at your source – you are the source.
Mother Gaia is moving once more through the seasons with the Equinox having just passed. For some of us the nights will grow shorter and the season will move to Spring and then Summer. For others of us the nights will be longer and we will move into the darkness of Fall and then Winter. This is a potent alchemical time whichever season you are moving into. Change is a-foot and the opportunity to create transformation is close. I’m sure you can feel its presence.
It is a potent practice to understand how you personally move through change. In this busy world you probably barely have time to get your bed made let alone take some time to be with change. It tends to happen to you instead of you guiding yourself to and through it. Being aware of the times, moments, situations that have the potential to transform us is a learned mastery but there are ways to facilitate the change so that it is transformational and expansive. Understanding your own nature – what feels good and right to you – is one of the highest accomplishments you can perform in your life.
Each breath you take is an alchemical process. You take in the life giving air and your body uses it in a myriad of ways to give your cells the nourishment they need to sustain you. Your out-breath, in turn, nourishes plant life and the processes that are outside of ‘you’. Yet these processes are you. You are tied to the bigger picture. You are an alchemist in nature.
When you pause during your day to just ‘be’ with all that is going on in your world you are being an alchemist. You are taking everything in and allowing a moment for integration to occur. Your yoga, meditation or even exercise practice is alchemical. Many different processes are going on in your body/mind/spirit during activities like these even if it is simply five minutes of presences and awareness of what ‘is’.
In your deepest relationships you are the alchemist when you choose compassion and love in the face of adversity and angst. Seeing through a lover’s complaint to the hurt is alchemy. Holding an aging parent’s hand through a difficult transition with patience rather than guilt or resentment is alchemy. Learning new things in the face of not really knowing why you must do it is alchemy. Every moment has the possibility of being the Alchemist’s tool for transformation.
Creating a practice of noticing more often when alchemy is happening and how to actually court it is the process of becoming the best ‘you’ you can be. Acknowledge it when you see it. Call it to you when you can’t see it. Create ritual to acknowledge alchemical transformation. Cultivate consciousness at your source – you are the source.
10/2/07
A Simple Practice to Expand Pleasure
The whole body, and every inch of skin, is the most complex erogenous zone there is. There are men and women who can orgasm just by touching a specific spot on their body without any genital touching. You can train yourself to activate your skin, or any other part of your body, to assist in orgasmic pleasure. Engaging the mind in this practice will help improve your ability to expand your experience, too.
When you are in sexual activity, and especially during genital stimulation, try adding a new erogenous spot to your repertoire so that your brain will connect that spot with pleasure in the future. Consciously focus on the touch you are receiving in that new area and spread the feeling throughout your body by visualizing the expansion. An example of this would be gently massaging and stroking the breasts, and area between the breasts where the heart chakra is, while pleasuring the yoni or lingam. By doing this you will be spreading the erotic energy to the chest and body cavity and you will be putting focus away from the genitals. This activates the heart area. When next the heart is stroked it is a good bet that the person will feel the expansion of energy in their genitals, too. By expanding these practices the concepts of what is erotic and pleasurable expand limitlessly to include that which wouldn't normally look or feel erotic. That is the realm of transformation to full embodiment of finding pleasure in places that you wouldn't normally look for it. It is everywhere all at once and in everything you do.
9/19/07
Erectile Disfunction and Neo-Tantric Techniques
I got this question the other day and I thought I'd share it with you:
My husband (age 62) has erectile dysfunction and is unable to have and/or sustain an erection for long. He has been able to have an orgasm with a fairly soft penis but not often. When we make love through vaginal intercourse his penis often loses it's sensitivity and rigidity. This is causing him a great deal of anxiety and depression and I am feeling inadequate and frustrated because I am not able to help in arousing or stimulating him. Can you help?
There are many questions to ask yourselves. Smoking, alcohol, inactive lifestyle, being over-weight, excessive meat eating and other lifestyle practices can contribute greatly to ED. So can age. About one half of all men your husband’s age (in western countries) cannot sustain an erection. That doesn't mean there aren't things you can do about it. The most important health items are the things I mentioned above.
Neo-Tantric practices could revolutionize your lovemaking because they teach us to slow down and re-learn, in many ways, the things we have taught ourselves that may not serve us. You might find that through the simplest of practices (like eye gazing or breathing together while eye gazing) that you find that your husband’s arousal builds slower but is more sustainable, that you are more present with each other and therefore get more enjoyment from the acts of love, find new ways to 'play' together that keep your erotic 'peak' up and so forth.
Breath is key to orgasm. Women need to breathe more and more steadily to achieve control over orgasm and to expand it into multiple orgasms. Men, on the other hand, tend to breathe too fast, sending themselves over-the-top too soon. In your husband’s case he might want to try breathing faster - a panting breath for say 15 to 20 counts and then a few deeper breathes and then repeat this pattern for say three times through. Don't hyperventilate. Start slower if I have given him too much here, but continue to build this practice. What this will do for him is to hyper focus his mind (he should visualize his lingam growing strong as he breathes) and the worry of whether or not he is going to sustain his erection will go away. Do you understand what I mean by this? Both of you need to turn your focus away from whether or not he will keep his erection. Get playful. Do the breathing sexercises, both alone when you aren't making love and even together when you are. It's OK for you to do them too because they will help you gain mastery also. Imagine on the exhale breath that you are showering each other with golden light.
I also suggest that he (or both of you) study some of the Taoist love manuals. We have some great modern ones by Mantak Chia. The one I'm thinking of is Male Multiple Orgasm in our catalog at http://www.tantra.com . The Taoist masters make love many times a day well onto their 90's. Ejaculation mastery, practices to strengthen his constitution and breathing exercises all can do simply amazing things.
Don't personalize this. Work (and Play!) together to find solutions and alternatives to penis/vagina sex. And sometimes it may be all right for your husband to take Cialis (talk with your doctor about this), once and awhile, to take the pressure off of yourselves.
The last thing I want to say is that the blood vessels that cause the penis to swell are on the outside of the penile tissue. Those little vessels have a lot of work to do to get the blood down there and keep it there. It's a long way from the heart! So - keep the heart in it and healthy - but consider using a soft cock-ring to help keep the blood in the penis so it won't flow out so fast. We carry a really good type and I think they are about $10 or $12 so they’re very reasonable. They help a lot.
I hope this all helps the two of you. It is difficult to advise when so little is known and I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR EVEN A NURSE so you may want to consult with an urologist too. I think that Tantric techniques would help you. You might consider joining our Premium Content area for a few months - it's very reasonable at $14.95/month. We're streaming lots of educational video and there are e-courses and audio instructions that will help your husband.
Good luck! I am thrilled that you are looking for solutions to continue your expressions of loving.
Namaste,
Suzie
My husband (age 62) has erectile dysfunction and is unable to have and/or sustain an erection for long. He has been able to have an orgasm with a fairly soft penis but not often. When we make love through vaginal intercourse his penis often loses it's sensitivity and rigidity. This is causing him a great deal of anxiety and depression and I am feeling inadequate and frustrated because I am not able to help in arousing or stimulating him. Can you help?
There are many questions to ask yourselves. Smoking, alcohol, inactive lifestyle, being over-weight, excessive meat eating and other lifestyle practices can contribute greatly to ED. So can age. About one half of all men your husband’s age (in western countries) cannot sustain an erection. That doesn't mean there aren't things you can do about it. The most important health items are the things I mentioned above.
Neo-Tantric practices could revolutionize your lovemaking because they teach us to slow down and re-learn, in many ways, the things we have taught ourselves that may not serve us. You might find that through the simplest of practices (like eye gazing or breathing together while eye gazing) that you find that your husband’s arousal builds slower but is more sustainable, that you are more present with each other and therefore get more enjoyment from the acts of love, find new ways to 'play' together that keep your erotic 'peak' up and so forth.
Breath is key to orgasm. Women need to breathe more and more steadily to achieve control over orgasm and to expand it into multiple orgasms. Men, on the other hand, tend to breathe too fast, sending themselves over-the-top too soon. In your husband’s case he might want to try breathing faster - a panting breath for say 15 to 20 counts and then a few deeper breathes and then repeat this pattern for say three times through. Don't hyperventilate. Start slower if I have given him too much here, but continue to build this practice. What this will do for him is to hyper focus his mind (he should visualize his lingam growing strong as he breathes) and the worry of whether or not he is going to sustain his erection will go away. Do you understand what I mean by this? Both of you need to turn your focus away from whether or not he will keep his erection. Get playful. Do the breathing sexercises, both alone when you aren't making love and even together when you are. It's OK for you to do them too because they will help you gain mastery also. Imagine on the exhale breath that you are showering each other with golden light.
I also suggest that he (or both of you) study some of the Taoist love manuals. We have some great modern ones by Mantak Chia. The one I'm thinking of is Male Multiple Orgasm in our catalog at http://www.tantra.com . The Taoist masters make love many times a day well onto their 90's. Ejaculation mastery, practices to strengthen his constitution and breathing exercises all can do simply amazing things.
Don't personalize this. Work (and Play!) together to find solutions and alternatives to penis/vagina sex. And sometimes it may be all right for your husband to take Cialis (talk with your doctor about this), once and awhile, to take the pressure off of yourselves.
The last thing I want to say is that the blood vessels that cause the penis to swell are on the outside of the penile tissue. Those little vessels have a lot of work to do to get the blood down there and keep it there. It's a long way from the heart! So - keep the heart in it and healthy - but consider using a soft cock-ring to help keep the blood in the penis so it won't flow out so fast. We carry a really good type and I think they are about $10 or $12 so they’re very reasonable. They help a lot.
I hope this all helps the two of you. It is difficult to advise when so little is known and I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR EVEN A NURSE so you may want to consult with an urologist too. I think that Tantric techniques would help you. You might consider joining our Premium Content area for a few months - it's very reasonable at $14.95/month. We're streaming lots of educational video and there are e-courses and audio instructions that will help your husband.
Good luck! I am thrilled that you are looking for solutions to continue your expressions of loving.
Namaste,
Suzie
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