Touching Can Save Lives

I'm a sensual kind of person. My body informs me. As a species, we humans have generally forgotten to pay attention to the information our bodies are revealing to us. We're a thinking species and by being thus we think ourselves through situations rather than feeling through situations. This leads to a systematic demise of our abilities to recognize bodily functions that can lead us to healing modalities we used to know about back when our brains weren't so big.

Scientists, with the aid of new tools and resources, are leading us back to an understanding that will help us reincorporate this deep and ancient knowledge. For instance, recent studies have revealed an incredible healing facet through touch. These studies have come about through the curious representation of whiskers and the understanding that some parts of our bodies take up larger areas of our brain matter than other areas do. Remember the homunculus? This is that odd looking little "man" that is superimposed over the brain with big hands, lips, genitals, feet, head and other features that are out of proportion to the rest of his body. He is a representation of our brain parts and an illustration of how they are mapped on our brain. Some parts have much more sensory input than other parts hence the bigger representation on the homunculus.

This stands to reason because our feet, hands and lips do a lot more "testing" of the environment than do, say, our elbows. These parts have more neurons, and more of a variety of neurons, than other areas of our body and so need more neural space in the brain to hold the information they gather and use for future advancement. It turns out that they also have the power to heal us in some very profound ways.

What's happening to you when you melt under someone's touch? You relax. You breathe more fully and deeply. Your blood vessels relax and open. Your skin responds and you feel your body more acutely. In Western spiritual sex practices, like some Tantric sex approaches, adoration is used in touching exercises. A couple will sit opposite each other with one the Receiver and one the Giver. The Giver will slowly, gently and loving caress their partner's face. They will "adore" their eyes, cheeks, hair, forehead, neck, nose and lips with soft, loving touch that lets the Receiver know how much they are loved and appreciated and, well, adored. The eyes, lips and the area around the lips (our whisker area in mammals) all have larger homunculus representation in our brains. They have many more neurons leading to brain regions.

It turns out that recent studies by a team of scientists at the University of California-Irvine, have discovered that stroke induced rats recover 100 percent when they've had their whisker area stroked (pun intended!) within 1.5 hours of the "stroke." They recover fully. The researchers have never had this fail. They cannot reproduce failure in their experiments and they are blown away by this. This means that if you are around someone who has a stroke and you gently massage and touch their lips, mouth area (whiskers!) and, it turns out, their fingers they will probably recover full from any stroke symptoms. This is shocking. Touch fully inhibits the brain from the affects of stroke. Stroke is the number three killer in the US and leaves hundreds of thousands of people severely disabled every year.

The mechanism to recovery has to do with rapidly dilating blood vessels that look for an alternative route past the blockage, that the stroke has induced, to get to the brain area that is being starved of blood and oxygen. The touching also super-stimulates the blood vessels to relax and open wider resulting in more easily transported blood and oxygen. Adoring touch and massage relax our bodies, brains, blood vessels and muscles and this all adds up to the incredible possibility that if we give and receive much more touch it will heal us, make us more whole and very possibly save us. Oh, and maybe each of us will be lucky enough someday to save someone's life by adoringly stroking their face, lips and fingers.

There are more articles on the healing power of touch and "How-To's" about touching here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/suzie-heumann/
And here: http://www.tantra.com
And here is the summary of the research for this article. Again, as always, I have taken a little 'speculation' liberty (but not much): http://www.plosone.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0011270

3 Easy Steps to Recharging for Two with Tantra

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The Yoga of Sex Muscles

Today's PC muscle exercises, or Kegel exercises, are not the ones your mother might have done. Oh no, they've been upgraded a whole lot so it's surprising that they aren't considered one of the "yogas". The truth is that they are a type of yoga. Mindfulness, along with these physical exercises, was taught by many ancient traditions for both men and women.

Dashing off a couple of squeezes here and there is not what I'm talking about. Learning and practicing the correct way to do Kegel exercises isn't hard but it is important to do them right for the desired physical benefits. There are many reasons to do these little gems of internal exercise. They radically improve arousal, blood flow to the pelvic region, strength of grip of the phallus during intercourse, bladder control, amount of orgasm and strength of orgasm, lasting longer, stronger erections, prostate health, thickness of pelvic floor muscles, health of internal organs and more. I recently had to have a sonogram of my lower abdomen and the doctor exclaimed, with some excitement, that my uterus looked like that of a 35 year old. I'm quite a bit older than that, and have had three grown children too, but I attribute this to years of doing my Kegels.

I began doing Kegels many years ago because I wanted to tighten my muscles for more "feeling" during sex. Then I began to get into the more subtle facets of using those built-up muscles to explore the "courtesan" in me. Many stories exist of women so highly trained that they could grip a man's phallus and not let go until they chose to. The Kama Sutra lists the sex technique Vadavaka as "The Mare's Trick" and a skilled woman could rhythmically and consciously massage and "milk" with her pelvic muscles. What the literature doesn't tell is that by learning and enabling this set of muscles the body core becomes more stable and healthy.

However, the yoga part has to do with the awareness and mindfulness that more advanced practices bring. Learning to do PC muscle exercises correctly is the first step to learning how to employ "bandhas" during regular yoga practice or even breathwork (pranayama) and meditation. By locking the pelvic muscles, and visualizing the upward movement of energy throughout the inner body, the topography of the interior organs can be felt and explored. This is called proprioception. Proprioception - from Latin proprius, meaning "one's own", and perception - one of the human senses. This term is often referred to only for outer limbs but it pertains to our inner topography as well. When we pay attention we can begin to feel our bladders, uteruses, prostate glands, cervixes, many of our organs and other soft tissues. This, in turn, aids visualization and potential healing.

In studies with athletes, scientists have discovered that they can improve the muscle strength and performance skills of the athletes by up to 15 percent when they use visualization to imagine their muscles growing or their game improving. This is also the case with learning the relaxation techniques that go with mastering ejaculation control. This pertains to pelvic muscles too. Evidence is growing that we create our own realities by our thoughts and actions, at least to some degree. We can take advantage of this fact to enhance the experiences of our lives.

Here we are on earth. We have a life that we have created to the best of our abilities. Yet both learning new "things" and refining what we already know are very important aspects to a cultivated life. This is what mindfulness is and what further refinement is when we are constantly improving our ability to "know" our selves. It is always interesting to me that many people believe that sex is not a worthy path to knowledge. Better put, that it is something that should only be spontaneous and free. That can be true some of the time but when we focus our minds, bodies, and spirits on sex, the sky can be the limits on how we do it and what outrageous consequences can come from it. Studied and practiced, those consequences can help integrate the mind and the body far more thoroughly.

Here's a very thorough Kegel lesson I wrote and I know you can find others around the Internet, also. This one has the basic practices, inquiry questions and advanced steps for visualizing and moving energy.

Jivamukti founder David Life says it very well in this quote on YogaJournal.com: "Through gradual refinement, mula bandha becomes less muscular and more subtle, energetic, and etheric. This movement from outside to inside, from mundane to rarefied, from unconsciousness to enlightenment, is the basic pattern of transcendental yogic awakening. On an energetic level, mula bandha allows us to feel, restrain, and then direct our energies toward enlightenment. Finally, when practicing mula bandha on the highest level, the yogi sees the Divine in all with equanimity and detachment."

Got Chakras?

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Why Does Surprising Your Partner Trigger So Much Excitement and Pleasure?

Novelty increases the amount of dopamine, a neurotransmitter, available to the blood stream and brain. Dopamine is associated with the parts of the brain that involve pleasure and rewards. When we meet a new person and fall in love serotonin levels are suppressed and Dopamine levels are increased. Love is new. It’s exciting. It’s intense and it propels the lovers to do things to win their new, potential lover/partner. It’s a feedback system.

This same feedback system can be employed to re-create intensity in a longer-term partnership. It can be used consciously to up the ante. But, caution is required too because the unconscious drive to keep upping the ante can cause problems. Dopamine is kind of addictive (think Cocaine). There is the possibility that trying to hold on to the intensity will drive one or both of the couple to seek adventures that are outside the boundaries of the other.

We’re an intensity driven society. This may be why we are seeing an increase in things like threesomes, cheating, swinging, polyamory, BDSM and other behaviors. The desire for creating new, hot, and deeper connections may also lead the other direction to the recent interest in Tantric sex and the arts of the Kama Sutra.

Exciting new behaviors, practices, positions and other creative bedroom endeavors take very little thought and can add a lot to a long-term relationship. Some of the things you can try are making love in some place other than the bedroom, changing your bedroom to seem like another place, using blindfolds, restraints and pleasure-inducing items (think velvet, makeup brushes, silk, satin, rose petals, feathers) to treat your erotic skin with new sensations. Dress-up in something you usually wouldn’t, undress your partner to a slow, sexy favorite piece of music, learn a new sexual trick and try it out, wear a wig or high heals or both, have sex with your sexy underwear on, play with each other, under your napkins, during a dinner at a sexy restaurant or do a strip-tease for your lover. Get wild.

Or…sign-up for the Tantra.com Premium Member’s area and create a lifetime of pleasure, enlightenment, hot sex, subtle nuances and far deeper intimacy. It’ll fuel your craving for novelty and will increase your dopamine levels in the ‘good’ sense of addiction!

Blessings,
Suzie Heumann

The Best Sex Positions for Female Orgasms

This blog will be a little mini-series of three blogs because this is a big conversation. Surveys and sexuality reports tell us that roughly only 20% of sexually active women have orgasms during intercourse. Assumptions will need to be made about that number because we don’t know if that includes manual stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse or not and several other issues that might skew the statistics. Let’s work with that number, however.

Orgasms are important to women no matter how convincing the idea of being in the pleasure without being goal oriented. Some of the time you can do this and some of the time you want an orgasm, pure and simple. Cultural constraints, modern media, lovers and friends can all influence how you might feel about your body, emotions and your ability to orgasm. You want what she’s having and you want it soon. If that’s the case with you then you’re going to have to know a whole lot more about your body and how it works in order to journey to the fertile fields of G-spot and vaginal orgasms. The positions come after you have the knowledge of your interior topography down and know your hot-spots from your not-spots. Self-pleasuring is the necessary evil! Set aside the time to spend with yourself soon. An hour three days a week should do it.

So here is a quickie lesson. You can find more out at Tantra.com, too. Most women’s clitorises don’t come near to getting the attention that is needed to stimulate that part of the anatomy during intercourse. If any position is going to do this then it is the C.A.T. (Coital Alignment Technique) position (this is a modified Missionary position where the man is on top and he has shifted his body up a bit towards his partner’s head so that his pubic bone rubs on her clitoris in an up and down (head to toe) motion. The other is the Woman on Top where the woman is leaning down, not sitting up, and she is doing the same motions as the man does in the C.A.T. position. That is, she is moving in a head to toe, up and down rubbing motion so that her clitoris is getting stimulated. Both of these positions do not, however, involve much G-spot or deeper A-spot (a spot above the cervix, deeper in the vagina, A is for Anterior Fornex) stimulation.

The first step, in discovering your vaginal, or yoni, hot spots, is to find your G-spot and begin to arouse, investigate and find orgasms through manual or digital (finger, G-spot wand or vibrator) stimulation. You can stimulate your clitoris first as it’s important to be very turned on when investigating your G-spot. Both are very connected with one on the inside and one on the outside, kind of back-to-back. They share nerves, blood flow and vibrational energy with each other! While I personally don’t feel that G-spots like much vibration yours may be different, but I wouldn’t start with a vibrator, I’d start with fingers (yours or a partner’s) or a Lucite wand. I have an earlier blog about the analogy of the upper palate in the mouth and the G-spot location so read it if you want to here. It may help.

Ok, let’s assume you’ll find it and have a good experience with noticing the pleasure, though maybe not an orgasm, in your early sexploration. You can up-the-ante by starting to strengthen your PC muscles by doing Kegel exercises. These will help tremendously; stronger orgasms, healthier pelvic floor, more orgasms, better (no much more) awareness of your body, great sex tricks by you for your lover and a bunch more reasons if you need them. The last and best thing about strong PC muscles is that when you move into more Tantric practices you will be able to move the sexual energy up, throughout your body more easily and effectively. That’s when it all gets really juicy!

So the stage is set for take-off. In a couple of days you’ll see installment two of this mini-series. You’ll discover a set of positions that you can try, modify, and try again to get the best out of them. I'll give you clues and tips for having the best intercourse sex ever.

Fearlessness

“The only religion that ought to be taught is the religion of fearlessness.”
Swami Vivekananda

“Fear comes from the selfish idea of cutting one's self off from the universe.”
Swami Vivekananda

“Fear is man's greatest enemy, and it manifests itself in forms as diverse as shame, jealousy, anger, insolence, arrogance...What causes fear? Lack of confidence in oneself.” Swami Prajnanpad

How does a person court fearlessness? Tantricas are known for saying that Tantra is about saying ‘Yes’ to everything. That’s scary if you think about it. But it doesn’t have to be so extreme. What is a little fear that you might tackle? How about during lovemaking? Find something that you would like to transform, to break through a cycle that you know isn’t serving you, and look at what it might take to change it.

As you get older two things can happen; you can either open up more or shut down more. If you begin asking questions about the source of a notion, idea or limitation often you can make a breakthrough that helps you take the next steps towards creating a new way of being or maybe even a practice. ‘Living well’ is an art form and can be perfected by taking small risks.

Maybe it’s about just saying ‘Yes’ sometimes too. Magic can happen when you stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone. You learn new things about yourself and that kind of experience can make you a bigger person. It creates more self-esteem and allows you to trust yourself more. Fearlessness grows on its self and expands you in ways that nothing else can.

The next time you find yourself about to say ‘No’ stop and ask yourself if this time you can say ‘Yes’ and feel good about it. If you can take the calculated risk then do, say ‘Yes’ and watch what happens. If you do it in baby steps things should go well!

Keeping Intentions Grows Your Brain

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We Create Our Own Reality - What Are You Creating?

“The phrase ‘to meditate’ does not only mean ‘to examine, observe, reflect, question, wish’; it also has, in the Sanskrit, a more profound meaning, which is ‘to become’." Krishnamurti

To Become that which you practice is the ultimate goal. This idea then requires us to look at ‘what do we want to become?’ because what we do practice does in fact become us. I am thinking of the times I get frustrated with my husband. He, and I, then become ‘frustration’ unless I hold him in other ways that will counter that ‘practice’ of thinking of him in that way. When I think or ‘meditate’ on “He is so chaotic and stressed.” my guy becomes fixed as those things – chaos and stress. I must confess that it is rarer for me to think of him as ‘brilliant, productive and a hunk’ but he is those things too.

This is scary because quantum physicists pretty much believe that we are what we perceive - literally. We actually do create our world – all of us help perpetuate and create the cultures we live in, the family we grow, our personal life issues and even what Mother Earth looks like. It’s a bit difficult to fathom but this is rapidly becoming common thought today. We are creating everything we see before us.

If this is the case then what are we doing? And when will we wake up to it? Brain scientist and neurobiologists who study long-time meditators say that the neo-cortex of these people is thicker than the average person. The neo-cortex is our higher brain, the part that is the ‘executive’; the one who calls the conscious shots. People who meditate have become able to call on their higher selves better than those who do not meditate. They can calm themselves and stay rational if they need to.

Pretty amazing brains we have. They can grow and change and become what we want to make of them and therefore make of ourselves. Meditation doesn’t have to be hard. Dr. Richard Davidson, from the University of Wisconsin, believes that just one half hour of sitting in contemplation of love and compassion, every day, can add that bulk to each of our brains and make us wiser, calmer, more loving and less judgmental. Now that’s Becoming to me!

Book recommends for those interested in the latest Sex Science

A while back I read May Roach’s Bonk. She’s a journalist who writes about interesting subjects with odd twists and a great sense of dry humor. Bonk is her third book and is about, well, bonking. In one of the chapters she discusses going to Europe with her husband and getting into an imaging machine that takes images of their interiors as they ‘bonk’. Yes, how the lingam meets and greets the yoni! There are a myriad of possibilities!

I want to volunteer! It would be so interesting, and of great importance, to explore subtle angle shifts related to G-spot, clitoral, and anterior fornix orgasms. Just what does it take to actualize vaginal orgasms for women? As I have always said, it’s all about discovering the right angles of penetration for each of us. We’re all different so even small, subtle changes in angle can make big differences.

Here’s a great over-view of the female sexual hot spots by none other than the famous Desmond Morris: . It’s the last line that is the most telling: “It has been claimed that two out of every three women fail to reach regular orgasms from simple penetrative sex. As mentioned above, most of them find that only digital or oral stimulation of the clitoris can be guaranteed to bring them to climax. This must mean that, for them, the two 'hot spots' inside the vagina are not living up to their name. The reason for this, it seems, is monotony in sexual positioning. A group of 27 couples were asked to vary their sexual positions experimentally, employing postures that would allow greater stimulation of the two vaginal 'hot spots', and it was found that three-quarters of the females involved were then able to achieve regular vaginal orgasms.”

I don’t know the origins of this study but I would love to know. If you know please let me know.

Here’s another book that looks good though I have not read it yet myself. I intend to. Sharon Moalem’s How Sex Works: Why We Look, Smell, Taste, Feel, and Act the Way We Do.

And a very good book, especially for those of you who are inclined to be a bit more scientific minded is: The Science of Sex by Beverly Whipple (the first G-spot book was co-written by her), Carlos Beyer-Flores & Barry Komisaruk.


Summer is coming. Time to make your reading lists.
I’ll take more suggestions if you have any…

Free TeleSeminar today 4/22/09 3pm PST

I'm doing a FREE 60-70 minute TeleSeminar today. You can
sign-up here.
I'll be talking about Tantra and Tantric practices in addition to some neurobiology and the reasons why these practices work to expand our experiences and our brain chemistry. I'll be taking live questions on the call so sign-up and let's talk!

Expanding Neural Networks Through Sex

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The Antidote To Hard Times - Love Lessons

Mark Morford in his column at SFgate.com spoke wise words that got a bit of flack from many commentators on Wednesday (3.11.09). Roughly 25 to 30 percent of comments and votes thought he was spouting ‘drivel’ when he suggested making love a lot more in a down economy. Why, because it’s, well, you check: Have Sex for Free!

Curious numbers those 25-30 percent against this idea. These are certainly not the ‘Cultural Creatives’ (Thank you Paul Ray) who aspire, I’m sure, to more ‘Make Love, Not War’ kinds of slogans. Cultural Creatives are supposedly about 25-30% of the population. They like things like organic, ecology, right-livelihood, yoga – you get the picture and I’m sure they would be true believers in having a lot more free sex in down times, or in any times for that matter.

Near the end of his offering Morford states: “Is this all there is to it?” and then: “…God - can something truly innovative and revolutionary be born. You think? I can't be quite sure. Someone get me some porn and drugs.” Ah, rather than porn, what if the revolution brought us to love, compassion, helpfulness, more love, sex, more sex, expanded consciousness, innovative living and cheaper dates?

Cultural Creatives certainly must be proponents of Western Tantric Sex. That kind of sex might just get you out of your negative thinking and into the present. It might actually make you healthier, wiser and more resilient. What if we might have to play our own music while engaging in a love position from the Tantric or Kama Sutra manuals while eating organic delicacies from our own garden and smoking homegrown from our hookah?

And, for that matter, what if we actually had time to pay attention to our children and take joy in helping them learn and (shriek) play with them outside in the dirt of the garden. What a concept that would be – to actually spend time with and get to know your family.

Back to Tantric Sex - It’s got all the right components for these times. It produces oxytocin (bonding), pheromone transmission (luv drugs!), dopamine (cheap highs), balance (lots of different good chemicals), inner knowing, harmonious relating (stress-busting neurochemicals), newness in love relationships (avoids stress of divorce, cheating and adds a lot more playful fun) and basically, it’s FREE. Consciousness PLUS love is what’s called for and needed in our coming future.

PS: If you want to learn much more about it, it will actually cost you a little something over at Tantra.com’s Premium Member’s Area but there’s a whole bunch of stuff FREE over here/there too.

Do You Want to Be Connected or Connected?

Are we really willing to go without touch, kissing, pheromones, orgasms, tender whispers and all of the exquisite accompaniments to Love this easily?

A study released this week from Germany on 19-29 year olds being willing to let go of their partner instead of their Internet connection and their cell phones is astonishing, to say the least. Maybe it is a generational thing. After all I’m in my mid fifties and have really only had a cell phone for maybe a tenth of my life (I was a late hold-out for no cell phone!). Two of my daughters have had cell phones for at least half of their lives, however, and they are in their 20’s. And they have had access to computers for almost all of their lives. So to them the use of these technology tools is ubiquitous. Yet I don’t think they would agree with this survey.

I’m not going to analyze it. I can’t because it is not ‘me’. What I’m addicted to is the deep connection that comes from love and sex and the ‘drugs’ that it produces in me. As humans we become kind of ‘addicted’ to oxytocin, the bonding chemical, dopamine, the desire chemical, pheromones, the attraction chemicals and on and on. These potent chemical messengers are what draw us to connect with another person. They become active when we get physically close to another person, not through cell phone connections.

I have always imagined and longed for a time when many people adopt Tantric practices. I believe the sexual part of Tantra is necessary for the consciousness part to evolve into an equilibrium of conscious love, compassion and a personal understanding of the depth within each of us. But this requires being physically close to others, whether they are lovers or not. It is pretty scary to think that the next generations, in some places, don't have this framework by which to live their lives. Tantric practices are now needed more than ever.

Click here for more of Suzie's Blog

Eyes Wide Open

What a great photo! This is taken on May 18th 2008 at the Cannes Film Festival.
Do Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart practice Tantra? With intention like that it sure looks like it.
Declare yourselves please!
Isn't it kind of strange that seeing these stars kiss with their eyes so open seems, well, different? You just don't see this much. What a shame we aren't more comfortable with such shameless connection and intimacy.
When I saw this photo on another site and the commentary said that they should be closing their eyes I was surprised. Are we so frightened of the 'other'? The intimacy? The blatant openness of their kiss? They are so present with each other. Isn't that the point?

You Tube videos - 10 New Videos

From the extensive video collection on Tantra.com we've put up 10 short videos on YouTube.com under the guru name: Enlightened Sex.

Each of the short videos, which run from 1 to 3 minutes long, has me, Suzie, speaking about a practice or lesson taken from Tantric theory, the Kama Sutra, Taoism and modern sexuality information. They're pretty good and very informative. Go check them out. And please make comments and do some rating.

We'll have more in the future. go ahead and spread these around for now to friends and family if it's appropriate. Thanks!

Go to: EnlightenedSex
or Suzie Heumann

Enjoy!

Key to Kama Sutra Position Angles


Key to Your Clitoris' Pleasure

I'm in India at the temples in the town of Khajuraho

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A Simple Practice to Expand Pleasure

The whole body, and every inch of skin, is the most complex erogenous zone there is. There are men and women who can orgasm just by touching a specific spot on their body without any genital touching. You can train yourself to activate your skin, or any other part of your body, to assist in orgasmic pleasure. Engaging the mind in this practice will help improve your ability to expand your experience, too.
When you are in sexual activity, and especially during genital stimulation, try adding a new erogenous spot to your repertoire so that your brain will connect that spot with pleasure in the future. Consciously focus on the touch you are receiving in that new area and spread the feeling throughout your body by visualizing the expansion. An example of this would be gently massaging and stroking the breasts, and area between the breasts where the heart chakra is, while pleasuring the yoni or lingam. By doing this you will be spreading the erotic energy to the chest and body cavity and you will be putting focus away from the genitals. This activates the heart area. When next the heart is stroked it is a good bet that the person will feel the expansion of energy in their genitals, too. By expanding these practices the concepts of what is erotic and pleasurable expand limitlessly to include that which wouldn't normally look or feel erotic. That is the realm of transformation to full embodiment of finding pleasure in places that you wouldn't normally look for it. It is everywhere all at once and in everything you do.

Erectile Disfunction and Neo-Tantric Techniques

I got this question the other day and I thought I'd share it with you:
My husband (age 62) has erectile dysfunction and is unable to have and/or sustain an erection for long. He has been able to have an orgasm with a fairly soft penis but not often. When we make love through vaginal intercourse his penis often loses it's sensitivity and rigidity. This is causing him a great deal of anxiety and depression and I am feeling inadequate and frustrated because I am not able to help in arousing or stimulating him. Can you help?
There are many questions to ask yourselves. Smoking, alcohol, inactive lifestyle, being over-weight, excessive meat eating and other lifestyle practices can contribute greatly to ED. So can age. About one half of all men your husband’s age (in western countries) cannot sustain an erection. That doesn't mean there aren't things you can do about it. The most important health items are the things I mentioned above.
Neo-Tantric practices could revolutionize your lovemaking because they teach us to slow down and re-learn, in many ways, the things we have taught ourselves that may not serve us. You might find that through the simplest of practices (like eye gazing or breathing together while eye gazing) that you find that your husband’s arousal builds slower but is more sustainable, that you are more present with each other and therefore get more enjoyment from the acts of love, find new ways to 'play' together that keep your erotic 'peak' up and so forth.
Breath is key to orgasm. Women need to breathe more and more steadily to achieve control over orgasm and to expand it into multiple orgasms. Men, on the other hand, tend to breathe too fast, sending themselves over-the-top too soon. In your husband’s case he might want to try breathing faster - a panting breath for say 15 to 20 counts and then a few deeper breathes and then repeat this pattern for say three times through. Don't hyperventilate. Start slower if I have given him too much here, but continue to build this practice. What this will do for him is to hyper focus his mind (he should visualize his lingam growing strong as he breathes) and the worry of whether or not he is going to sustain his erection will go away. Do you understand what I mean by this? Both of you need to turn your focus away from whether or not he will keep his erection. Get playful. Do the breathing sexercises, both alone when you aren't making love and even together when you are. It's OK for you to do them too because they will help you gain mastery also. Imagine on the exhale breath that you are showering each other with golden light.
I also suggest that he (or both of you) study some of the Taoist love manuals. We have some great modern ones by Mantak Chia. The one I'm thinking of is Male Multiple Orgasm in our catalog at http://www.tantra.com . The Taoist masters make love many times a day well onto their 90's. Ejaculation mastery, practices to strengthen his constitution and breathing exercises all can do simply amazing things.
Don't personalize this. Work (and Play!) together to find solutions and alternatives to penis/vagina sex. And sometimes it may be all right for your husband to take Cialis (talk with your doctor about this), once and awhile, to take the pressure off of yourselves.
The last thing I want to say is that the blood vessels that cause the penis to swell are on the outside of the penile tissue. Those little vessels have a lot of work to do to get the blood down there and keep it there. It's a long way from the heart! So - keep the heart in it and healthy - but consider using a soft cock-ring to help keep the blood in the penis so it won't flow out so fast. We carry a really good type and I think they are about $10 or $12 so they’re very reasonable. They help a lot.
I hope this all helps the two of you. It is difficult to advise when so little is known and I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR EVEN A NURSE so you may want to consult with an urologist too. I think that Tantric techniques would help you. You might consider joining our Premium Content area for a few months - it's very reasonable at $14.95/month. We're streaming lots of educational video and there are e-courses and audio instructions that will help your husband.
Good luck! I am thrilled that you are looking for solutions to continue your expressions of loving.
Namaste,
Suzie

From the Bedroom to the Boardroom

From the bedroom to the boardroom – life is the same. If a breakthrough is desired in your life, start with your sexual intimacy. Gently but mindfully start to break up the old patterns and add new dimensions to your life. Here are some suggestions on how you might do that:
-Take small risks,
-Tell the truth,
-Ask for what you want in bed,
-Learn a new technique every week,
-Trust and be trustworthy,
-Try vulnerability over defensiveness,
-Start with a compliment and then ask for a small change,
-Show your appreciation generously!

We commonly see sex as an end to itself. But ancient Tantricas developed sexuality to such an art that it could be used as a vehicle for life transformation. Some of the techniques can help you expand and develop your life to its fullest potential and what a way to do it!