A New Purpose for Sex: Unplug Into the 'Now'

When we first fall in love sex is often a fevered, fumbling and sometimes unconscious act. All of our interest is focused on the object of our love and we are overwhelmed by it with a constant awareness process of the beloved. It's satisfying, to a point. After a period of time things slow down and you're left with finding new, edgier and slightly exciting things to do to keep your interest from waning.

Doctor Helen Fisher would say that you have left the Dopamine era of new love and entered the bonding phase where Oxytocin plays the favored part. Dopamine drives desire and the satiation of that desire by some kind of a reward. The 'reward' in new love is the attention from the other and the continued feelings that the love chemicals pump into your brain and body. This often drives sex. Oxytocin comes into play when the couple moves to the next step of setting up a household and possibly having a child.

Long lasting love, or pair bonding love, is associated with the time needed to, at the very least, raise a child to the age of about four or five years old. In ancient times that is the age that the child could keep up with the 'tribe', fend for itself in some ways so that the mother may not need the father's care, especially if there is tribal or societal care to help raise the child. Our love interests still run on old scripts from thousands of years past! But there is evidence that things are changing.

Ok, let's keep that intense, new love stuff, the dopamine high. Then, if two people decide that they are very much in love and want to move to the next steps of relationship the 'cuddle' affect takes over. And though sex may slow down the bond between the lovers gets tighter. Then a few years go by, there are babies and careers and a mortgage and responsibilities galore. Time seems to have disappeared and stress can seem to take center stage. What does love look like now?

It turns out our brains are growing and changing all of our lives. Scientists didn't used to think this was so. They are proving themselves wrong and it now has a name: plasticity. With recent studies on meditators and yogis showing marked increases in brain volume, increased immune response and the ability to show higher cortical, or executive function control, all the reasons for being in the present time or Now are coming to bare. And the practices of Western Tantric Sex can bring you into the Now with some of the benefits the meditators derive from exactly the same Now-ness.

People who meditate can quickly access the Theta Wave state that is indicative of deep relaxation. Deep breathing, mindful relaxation techniques, massage, yoga and no-goal Tantric sex practices can bring you to a super-relaxed state of mind. Once you have these experiences available to you in your growing, plastic brain you'll be able to draw on this relaxation, and low-stress condition, whenever you need to.

Set 30 minutes a day aside for practicing being in the Now with your lover. Make Love be a meditation, of sorts, at least some of the time. This is a more feminine approach, guys, but that doesn't mean hot sex is going to be a thing of the past. It just needs balance, like everything in life.

Begin by positioning yourselves so that you can gaze into each others eyes. This begins the oxytocin drip and re-enforces bonding between you. Oxytocin increases calm, trust, empathy and generosity too.

Breathe together. This synchronizes the heart, body and emotional state and lowers blood pressure. You can 'spoon' or sit opposite each other for these practices. In the 'spoon' position add slow, gentle pelvic rocking, in unison, as an advanced practice. This will relieve the stress of the day on your lower back in addition to putting you more in synchronization. You can set an intention, and vision it together, if you'd like, also.

Design a gentle massage exchange. Even if this is simply 10 minutes apiece it can transform you both, especially when done every day. Reverently start with adoring your beloved by softly touching their face, neck, eyelids, ears, lips and cheeks. You can then move to their arms, legs, torso, breasts, back, feet and buttocks. Don't strain, this is to be relaxing for both of you. It's about the skin-to-skin touch and not necessarily a deep tissue massage. You may even include a bit of soft fur, silk fabric, rose petals or a feather to massage with sometimes. Relax.

Take 30 minutes, every day you can, for this kind of recharge. Make a study of it and experience the differences you'll feel by the end of your experiment. Create your own super-relaxing practices that work well for you. Bring an attitude of focus, relaxation, mindfulness and reverence to the practices. If a great sexual experience sometimes follows then wonderful, but take the pressure off to start, because life seems to be about the pressure these days so let it happen naturally.

3 Easy Steps to Recharging for Two with Tantra

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Got Chakras?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Easy Calm Breathing

I’ve been practicing internal circular breathing. I’m calling it this because it feels right but this practice has many names. It came up as a spontaneous practice in the middle of the night a while back. And what I’ve learned is that there really isn’t any right way to do simple breathing practices (more advanced ones are a different story) if you are putting your mind to it, so to speak.

Let me explain. What I am practicing is this: I take a soft, deep breath in as my mind ‘follows’ the breath up my body, just to the inside of my spine from my belly. The breath, mind and eyes follow the movement to the inside back of my skull, circle down the front of the inside of my skull, and as I start to exhale it moves down and out my nose to bathe the front of my body. The cycle starts over, softly and smoothly, as my mind comes back to my belly for the in breath.

This is so relaxing and yet mildly energizing too - no, more like refreshing, I would say. My eyes actually follow the breath and so does my mind. It’s that part – the mind part - that is important. I feel like I am training my mind to focus. It’s a form of meditation that is simple and easy to do. People who meditate have a thicker cortex, that part of your brain that is the higher consciousness and intelligent part. It’s also the part of the brain that ‘over-sees’ the emotional part (the lower, older brain) bringing a calmer, more controlled affect to the personality.

I can always use more of this kind of calm!

Erectile Disfunction and Neo-Tantric Techniques

I got this question the other day and I thought I'd share it with you:
My husband (age 62) has erectile dysfunction and is unable to have and/or sustain an erection for long. He has been able to have an orgasm with a fairly soft penis but not often. When we make love through vaginal intercourse his penis often loses it's sensitivity and rigidity. This is causing him a great deal of anxiety and depression and I am feeling inadequate and frustrated because I am not able to help in arousing or stimulating him. Can you help?
There are many questions to ask yourselves. Smoking, alcohol, inactive lifestyle, being over-weight, excessive meat eating and other lifestyle practices can contribute greatly to ED. So can age. About one half of all men your husband’s age (in western countries) cannot sustain an erection. That doesn't mean there aren't things you can do about it. The most important health items are the things I mentioned above.
Neo-Tantric practices could revolutionize your lovemaking because they teach us to slow down and re-learn, in many ways, the things we have taught ourselves that may not serve us. You might find that through the simplest of practices (like eye gazing or breathing together while eye gazing) that you find that your husband’s arousal builds slower but is more sustainable, that you are more present with each other and therefore get more enjoyment from the acts of love, find new ways to 'play' together that keep your erotic 'peak' up and so forth.
Breath is key to orgasm. Women need to breathe more and more steadily to achieve control over orgasm and to expand it into multiple orgasms. Men, on the other hand, tend to breathe too fast, sending themselves over-the-top too soon. In your husband’s case he might want to try breathing faster - a panting breath for say 15 to 20 counts and then a few deeper breathes and then repeat this pattern for say three times through. Don't hyperventilate. Start slower if I have given him too much here, but continue to build this practice. What this will do for him is to hyper focus his mind (he should visualize his lingam growing strong as he breathes) and the worry of whether or not he is going to sustain his erection will go away. Do you understand what I mean by this? Both of you need to turn your focus away from whether or not he will keep his erection. Get playful. Do the breathing sexercises, both alone when you aren't making love and even together when you are. It's OK for you to do them too because they will help you gain mastery also. Imagine on the exhale breath that you are showering each other with golden light.
I also suggest that he (or both of you) study some of the Taoist love manuals. We have some great modern ones by Mantak Chia. The one I'm thinking of is Male Multiple Orgasm in our catalog at http://www.tantra.com . The Taoist masters make love many times a day well onto their 90's. Ejaculation mastery, practices to strengthen his constitution and breathing exercises all can do simply amazing things.
Don't personalize this. Work (and Play!) together to find solutions and alternatives to penis/vagina sex. And sometimes it may be all right for your husband to take Cialis (talk with your doctor about this), once and awhile, to take the pressure off of yourselves.
The last thing I want to say is that the blood vessels that cause the penis to swell are on the outside of the penile tissue. Those little vessels have a lot of work to do to get the blood down there and keep it there. It's a long way from the heart! So - keep the heart in it and healthy - but consider using a soft cock-ring to help keep the blood in the penis so it won't flow out so fast. We carry a really good type and I think they are about $10 or $12 so they’re very reasonable. They help a lot.
I hope this all helps the two of you. It is difficult to advise when so little is known and I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR EVEN A NURSE so you may want to consult with an urologist too. I think that Tantric techniques would help you. You might consider joining our Premium Content area for a few months - it's very reasonable at $14.95/month. We're streaming lots of educational video and there are e-courses and audio instructions that will help your husband.
Good luck! I am thrilled that you are looking for solutions to continue your expressions of loving.
Namaste,
Suzie

Belly Breathing

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A Little Powerful Breath Exercise

It’s 11:30am on Wednesday. You’ve got a 1:00pm lunch appointment, there’s that call you need to make and the report due before lunch, and YOU KNOW you’re at your best in the morning.
You take a deep breath into your belly and close your eyes as you feel your breath fall back away from your body. Imagine a moment in time when you melted under the touch of your lover. When every fiber of your being was focused and suspended in ecstasy.
Imagine that feeling now, noticing the warmth of your genitals. Begin slowly squeezing your vaginal muscles, pulsing and feeling your passion grow. Bring your mind to stillness, as you pump, and hold the vision of “I am perfection”.
Pump a little faster and breathe a little faster - 100 pulses.
A last, deep breath in, hold, hold – and as you slowly release the breath, feel your passion and gratitude for all you have wash over you like a Hawaiian waterfall.
11:35am – Wow – five minutes! Refreshed, turned-on, pumped-up and completely confident – you move powerfully into accomplishing your commitments!
-Work up to 200,
-Add 20 s-l-o-w- ones,
-Try this sequence on your lover,
-Do it anytime you need to access your sexual energy!
Try this sometime and let me know what happens. It's a good practice to wake you right up! Send me feedback please.

Tantra – weaving life, love, consciousness and sex – 24/7.

What's Oxygen Got To Do With It?

My current fascination involves a deeper understanding of the workings of our bodies related to orgasm, pleasure and the possible ways of increasing both of those. You’ll hear more in the future about the relationship between pain and pleasure, oxytocin, love and bonding and brain functioning and orgasm in this column. This one is about oxygen and blood flow for optimum sexual functioning.

It’s been said that the clitoris has 8,000 nerve ends. I read that fact in Natalie Angier’s Woman; An Intimate Geography. She’s a great writer, by the way. These nerve endings, or neurons more precisely, use oxygen when they are excited. The more ‘excited’ they are the more oxygen is required to keep that excitement up. This is a feedback loop that suggests that the more oxygen you can give the blood to genital delivery system the more bang you might get for your effort. What happens to the blood supply as it is coursing through the body during sexual arousal is that it gets depleted of oxygen as the blood supplies the genital region with more and more oxygen. Certain factors work to relax the walls of the blood vessels, in the genital region, as arousal builds. This relaxation also helps increase the supply of blood and, therefore, oxygen. One of those ‘factors’ is probably nitric oxide, which the supplement L-arginine helps produce in the body.

Back to the subject: How does one supply an increasingly large amount of oxygen to the clitoris, labia and G-spot area? This is the connection that deep belly breathing has to pleasure and orgasmic response. Many women actually stop breathing when they get really turned on. On a scale of 1 to 10 at about the 7 or 8 level a woman will often simply stop breathing. They hold their breath and tighten their bodies. That puts an immediate stop to any new oxygen that is needed for the pelvis and yoni (Sanskrit for Vagina) neurons. Many women report that they get to a certain stage of arousal and then, for reasons they just can’t figure out, they slow down and often fall back down the building curve to orgasm. Their bodies will relax and they will naturally start breathing again only to have the same thing happen, again. It’s a frustrating situation that isn’t easily discovered naturally.

What she really needs to do is breathe faster and harder to supply the critical oxygen needed to sustain and build her turn on such that she brings herself to orgasm. This is where practicing breathing every day, until you have mastered it, will really pay off. There are benefits far beyond orgasm but let’s stick with the big ‘O’ for now. Practice deep breathing every morning before you get up and every night before you go to sleep. Five minutes will do. By placing a hand on your belly and softly forcing your hand up on the in breath you’ll know you are doing it right. Have your lover remind you to breathe when you are making love. If you are self-loving make a little sign to remind yourself to breathe. Practice breathing faster, too. Pant for about 15 breaths and then let it out slowly through pursed lips. Use this faster breath when you are at that 6, 7 or 8 level to consciously ‘drive’ your arousal. Play with these techniques and you’ll notice that the science is working to bring you closer to your goals!


Side note: The two books I am currently reading are How to Know Go(o)d by Candace Pert and The Science of Orgasm by Beverly Whipple, Barry Komisaruk and Carlos Beyer-Flores. Beverly Whipple brought us the first book on the G-spot along with John Perry almost thirty years ago. She has been researching orgasm (and primarily women) at Rutgers University for many years. Candace Pert is the eminent researcher on the molecules that drive our emotions.