I got this question the other day and I thought I'd share it with you:
My husband (age 62) has erectile dysfunction and is unable to have and/or sustain an erection for long. He has been able to have an orgasm with a fairly soft penis but not often. When we make love through vaginal intercourse his penis often loses it's sensitivity and rigidity. This is causing him a great deal of anxiety and depression and I am feeling inadequate and frustrated because I am not able to help in arousing or stimulating him. Can you help?
There are many questions to ask yourselves. Smoking, alcohol, inactive lifestyle, being over-weight, excessive meat eating and other lifestyle practices can contribute greatly to ED. So can age. About one half of all men your husband’s age (in western countries) cannot sustain an erection. That doesn't mean there aren't things you can do about it. The most important health items are the things I mentioned above.
Neo-Tantric practices could revolutionize your lovemaking because they teach us to slow down and re-learn, in many ways, the things we have taught ourselves that may not serve us. You might find that through the simplest of practices (like eye gazing or breathing together while eye gazing) that you find that your husband’s arousal builds slower but is more sustainable, that you are more present with each other and therefore get more enjoyment from the acts of love, find new ways to 'play' together that keep your erotic 'peak' up and so forth.
Breath is key to orgasm. Women need to breathe more and more steadily to achieve control over orgasm and to expand it into multiple orgasms. Men, on the other hand, tend to breathe too fast, sending themselves over-the-top too soon. In your husband’s case he might want to try breathing faster - a panting breath for say 15 to 20 counts and then a few deeper breathes and then repeat this pattern for say three times through. Don't hyperventilate. Start slower if I have given him too much here, but continue to build this practice. What this will do for him is to hyper focus his mind (he should visualize his lingam growing strong as he breathes) and the worry of whether or not he is going to sustain his erection will go away. Do you understand what I mean by this? Both of you need to turn your focus away from whether or not he will keep his erection. Get playful. Do the breathing sexercises, both alone when you aren't making love and even together when you are. It's OK for you to do them too because they will help you gain mastery also. Imagine on the exhale breath that you are showering each other with golden light.
I also suggest that he (or both of you) study some of the Taoist love manuals. We have some great modern ones by Mantak Chia. The one I'm thinking of is Male Multiple Orgasm in our catalog at http://www.tantra.com . The Taoist masters make love many times a day well onto their 90's. Ejaculation mastery, practices to strengthen his constitution and breathing exercises all can do simply amazing things.
Don't personalize this. Work (and Play!) together to find solutions and alternatives to penis/vagina sex. And sometimes it may be all right for your husband to take Cialis (talk with your doctor about this), once and awhile, to take the pressure off of yourselves.
The last thing I want to say is that the blood vessels that cause the penis to swell are on the outside of the penile tissue. Those little vessels have a lot of work to do to get the blood down there and keep it there. It's a long way from the heart! So - keep the heart in it and healthy - but consider using a soft cock-ring to help keep the blood in the penis so it won't flow out so fast. We carry a really good type and I think they are about $10 or $12 so they’re very reasonable. They help a lot.
I hope this all helps the two of you. It is difficult to advise when so little is known and I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR EVEN A NURSE so you may want to consult with an urologist too. I think that Tantric techniques would help you. You might consider joining our Premium Content area for a few months - it's very reasonable at $14.95/month. We're streaming lots of educational video and there are e-courses and audio instructions that will help your husband.
Good luck! I am thrilled that you are looking for solutions to continue your expressions of loving.
From the bedroom to the boardroom – life is the same. If a breakthrough is desired in your life, start with your sexual intimacy. Gently but mindfully start to break up the old patterns and add new dimensions to your life. Here are some suggestions on how you might do that:
-Take small risks,
-Tell the truth,
-Ask for what you want in bed,
-Learn a new technique every week,
-Trust and be trustworthy,
-Try vulnerability over defensiveness,
-Start with a compliment and then ask for a small change,
-Show your appreciation generously!
We commonly see sex as an end to itself. But ancient Tantricas developed sexuality to such an art that it could be used as a vehicle for life transformation. Some of the techniques can help you expand and develop your life to its fullest potential and what a way to do it!