Partner As Guru:Relationship As An Evolutionary Tool

Suzie Heumann

I once proposed to my husband that we choose 'Devotion' with a big 'D'. I meant that we would be completely devoted to each other 100 percent. Let me define that a little further. That would look like we idolized each other. We would see each other as God and Goddess and there wouldn't be any 'if, and or buts' about it. Period.

One of the ways I defined it meant that we could make 'loving, critical assessments' of the other. You got it - criticisms - and the other would lovingly take it for what it was - a guru-like practice that the criticized one needed to hear and subscribe to. Yeah, right. I was quite naive. That was a long time ago; we've been married for 30 years!

I had an agenda. I wanted him to love me unconditionally because I felt that I had loved him that way for many years and he hadn't reciprocated the way I wanted him to. This is unconditional? Obviously this isn't the way to heal from whatever it was that caused me to even think I could get what every woman (and man for that matter) fantasizes about and thinks they want - pure devotion. Ah...

Devotion might look like what a student has with a teacher or an aspirant has with a guru. Of course, the teacher must be true and of a high mind and the guru must be of the best kind with the highest goals of his or her student's in mind. What of two lovers, partners and couples; can they be each other's gurus? Is it possible to move the obstacles of family history, culture, one's own agenda, hurts, disappointments and all the rest of the deeply embedded stuff we bring along with us aside and actually guide our partner along in life?

Lover as guru might be possible if the couple sees themselves as divine manifestations of the cosmic couple: Shiva (the male principle in Hindu cosmology) and Shakti (the female principal). Seeing and holding ones self and lover as the cosmic couple representing universal energy might hold a clue to this transformative process. The polarity or dualistic aspects of everything around us from male and female, God and Goddess, fire and water, truth and lie, giver and receiver - are only outer manifestations of the universe creating an interesting life for us. The cause of suffering, however, is a perceived separation of the self from the universal.

What if you really, fully embraced 'Partner/Lover as Guru'? Watch this short video of a conversation I had with Mark and Patricia who are a well-known Tantric teaching couple. They have some spirited words of wisdom for us all:

Sensual Intimacy Video

So, what would life look like? For one thing you would have to put aside ego and reaction to criticism. In fact, better yet, you would not have the concept of 'criticism' running your emotional process. Relationship would need to feel like a loving parent or grandparent who cares, has compassion, understand your hurts, lets you speak and listens to you, holds your hand when you need it and lets you struggle when you don't. Your guru would have loving words to direct, console, teach and guide you and you would have the skills to receive and to give back in turn. The separations of jealousy, anger, fear, desire, envy and pride wouldn't hold much weight. Trust would grow strong. Helping others, not just your own partner or family, would become easy and effortless.

When you see yourself as an intrinsic part of everything and representative of everything it becomes easier to hold the influence that you might have with others to a higher standard. Each partner might try to take the other higher and have the other's evolution in mind. Life would become more of a collaboration and dance. Each generation beyond ours would become more empowered, more trusting, more loving, more compassionate.

How do you do this even when you don't want to? Can you step up to the plate, even a little?

Sex And The Memory of Sexual Experience

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Thank You Darwin: Phallus Evolution

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Add Intensity To Life: Pay Attention

I'm reminded of Witness Consciousness today. The world is changing outside of my window. Fall is splashing her golden hues all over the place and this makes it relatively easy to be hyper-conscious of the beauty and life that is all around me. Forget stress, the economy and my messy house - it's gorgeous out there!

It takes many varying practices to become more conscious. Right now I'm paying attention to nature in all of its glory. Last night I was paying attention to breath, sensual sensations and my G-spot. Later today I will even pay good attention to finishing my taxes. It's all the same really.

How does one promote consciously being able to witness ones self? There are many, many ways but I like to use the breath as a starting point. Watching my breath and breathing into my belly - softly, fully - is one of the practices I like. It's like a mini-meditation each time I do it.

Years ago I started this practice and would remember it maybe 20 times a day. I would put post-its on the front door and stickers on the steering column of my car. I would try to 'just remember' - I used all kinds of mechanisms to learn to pay attention to how I was breathing. The interesting thing is that this practice got me used to remembering multiple times a day to just pay more attention to whatever I was doing. The other sure-fire way is to practice meditation.

Research in the past few years is confirming that practices like meditation improve not only focus and attention but that it improves cognition, also. This is not only true of those practiced at meditation but of those new to the practice, too. A study reported in June of 2007 from researchers Amishi Jha and Michael Baime of the University of Pennsylvania found that mediation changes the way the brain works at the level of attention, the ability to prioritize, manage tasks and goals, focus on specific information and stay alert in whatever environment a person might find themselves in. Research has also found that improving attention makes whatever you are experiencing seem more intense.

Once I felt accomplished in my practice of mini breathing meditations, so that I could more fully witness myself, I moved this practice more deliberately to sex. After years of practicing and learning all about my body, my lover's body and all the myriad ways we could pleasure each other I could finally let go of the 'thinking' about those moves and begin to 'witness' my self during sexual experiences. This isn't about judgment or critical thinking or even imagination or fantasy - it's about the gentle practice of witnessing. To witness one simply watches with ease and wonder what is happening to them.

When you get good at this it becomes really useful. If I'm enjoying some great sex and I notice "Oh, that is an interesting sensation. I'm going to breathe into that touch, put more attention on it and see what happens." Or maybe we've gotten ourselves into a new position and I like it but I notice that my G-spot isn't quite being stimulated to my liking. We don't stop what we're doing and find a new position I simply move slightly one way or another to make a subtle shift. If I hadn't been able to gently 'witness' this about myself I could have blamed, gotten frustrated or even quit all together.

It's just like that, simple and useful. The 'witness' helps us to add on to the experience. When you get good at this you can really explore and up-the-ante on your experiences, what ever they are. It's a playful practice that becomes an increasingly interesting sort of arousal stimulator. And I'm using it today because of the beauty all around me - nature is arousing me and I'm using this experience to make it even more exquisite so I can enjoy the taxes and enjoy the garden and enjoy the sex and enjoy this life!

Playfulness - Can Getting Experimental Lead To Orgasm?

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Got Chakras?

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Pheromones – Can You Tell?

All animals use the sense of smell to tell them a lot of information about other members of their species. The only exception to this rule is with dolphins and whales. Their specific ‘noses’ migrated to the top of their heads as blowholes and thus they don’t have the benefit of smell that they once had eons ago. They do have, however, a very sophisticated system based on pheromones, as do the other animals in our fair kingdom.
It turns out that when researchers turn off the nerve in rats that connects the brain to the small, specialized area of the olfactory bulb that understands the signals that pheromones send, the rats don’t mate.

Rats have much better olfactory systems than humans do. Humans, in fact, have lost a lot of their sense of smell to other organs like the eyes. We just don’t need it as much as other animals, or do we? In small studies there is evidence that women on birth control pills have less response to pheromones. These women may be missing some of the important features of sensual attraction. And in a study of erotic dancers it was discovered that tips increased by up to 70% on nights when the women dancers were ovulating. There isn’t anything else that points to why this might be than the presents of pheromones.

If you’d like to discover the more subtle world of pheromones take a sniff behind your lover’s ear or underarms after they’ve been working in a warm environment for a few hours. Make sure they don’t have cologne on – it covers up scent and pheromones (so don’t wear it guys!). Does the scent turn you on? In a blind study women who, unbeknownst to them, either smelled a man’s pheromones or a more neutral scent, while trying to assess the attractiveness of pictures of different men always rated the men higher in attractiveness when they smelled the pheromones. It just turned them on more!

So, how do you get some of those pheromones? Don’t wear cologne or perfume. It interferes with our olfactory senses. Kiss more. Nose to nose gets us up close and intimate with the pheromones that are near our necks, ears, hair and nose. Those little chemical messengers don’t have to travel as far to reach their goal, either. Take more time to use your nose, even if you don’t think you smell anything while cuddling. Keep doing it because they are there. Treat your lover to a non-visual sensual date sometime. Blindfold them and bring out different pleasant scents that you can gently wave in front of their noses to tempt and mystify them. Suzie Heumann

What Do Singing, Throats, Orgasm and the Vagus Nerve Have To Do With It?

It’s fairly gorgeous in Sonoma County this time of year and the days are getting warmer. This afternoon I rode in my car with my windows down and the radio blasting. The song was Tina Turner’s What’s Love Got To Do With It. It doesn’t matter as much what song it was as that it is a full-throated, lusty song, one that you have to open up your mouth to sing and open it big. And you have to open up your throat, too.

When we open up to sing that fully, especially songs that have a deep, lower resonance to them, we are triggering and using our vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is a big one. It’s long and it branches a lot of times as it snakes throughout our body. You can look it up on any resource site to understand it better.

But what those research sites don’t say is that not only does it innervate the throat and chest, it is directly connected to the cervix and uterus. What does this mean for women’s pleasure? Beverly Whipple and Barry Komisaruk have investigated the vagus nerve and deep vaginal orgasms in women who have spinal cord injuries. This spinal cord compromise causes them to lack feeling in their lower extremities, thus not allowing them the capability to feel orgasms by other nerve structures. The vagus nerve doesn’t travel through the spinal cord, however. Deep, penetrative sexual activities trigger orgasm via this nerve, even in these women, and they can feel the orgasms.

Here is what I am speculating: That opening up the mouth, chest cavity and orgasmic capacities via the vagus nerve may lead to powerful orgasms and possibly multiples and female ejaculation. When women emit deep, low sounds from their abdomens and with their mouths wide open this can sometimes lead to longer lasting, powerful orgasms and even female ejaculation. This all makes sense if you consider that the vagus nerve connects all of these functions, throat, chest, cervix and uterus, and that when they are utilized to the fullest extent of the nerve, and all of its endings, the nerve becomes so activated that it produces out of body pleasure that is more than the sum of its parts, so to speak.

I had a direct transmission of this ‘action’ years ago from Caroline Muir but I have puzzled over it until I learned about this nerve. During some filming with the Muirs that my husband and I did, I noticed some deep, moaning sounds she had made during her orgasms and ejaculation demonstration. Her mouth was wide open and the sounds were coming from down deep inside her abdomen. Making these kinds of sounds also causes a ‘pushing’ down or out, as in childbirth, of the pelvic floor and genitals, giving even better access to the depths of the yoni. You can even feel this when you are simply singing full-throated songs. The diaphragm pushes downward on the pelvis. I tried copying her sounds and had an immediate experience of multiple orgasms and female ejaculation that continued unabated for a long time. How and why would these conditions all work together to produce such extremes in orgasmic pleasure? Is the vagus nerve the ‘unusual’ suspect?

So, any thoughts or similar experiences would be interesting. I don’t care how speculative they are, I would love to know other’s thoughts on this subject.

Suzie Heumann

Why Does Surprising Your Partner Trigger So Much Excitement and Pleasure?

Novelty increases the amount of dopamine, a neurotransmitter, available to the blood stream and brain. Dopamine is associated with the parts of the brain that involve pleasure and rewards. When we meet a new person and fall in love serotonin levels are suppressed and Dopamine levels are increased. Love is new. It’s exciting. It’s intense and it propels the lovers to do things to win their new, potential lover/partner. It’s a feedback system.

This same feedback system can be employed to re-create intensity in a longer-term partnership. It can be used consciously to up the ante. But, caution is required too because the unconscious drive to keep upping the ante can cause problems. Dopamine is kind of addictive (think Cocaine). There is the possibility that trying to hold on to the intensity will drive one or both of the couple to seek adventures that are outside the boundaries of the other.

We’re an intensity driven society. This may be why we are seeing an increase in things like threesomes, cheating, swinging, polyamory, BDSM and other behaviors. The desire for creating new, hot, and deeper connections may also lead the other direction to the recent interest in Tantric sex and the arts of the Kama Sutra.

Exciting new behaviors, practices, positions and other creative bedroom endeavors take very little thought and can add a lot to a long-term relationship. Some of the things you can try are making love in some place other than the bedroom, changing your bedroom to seem like another place, using blindfolds, restraints and pleasure-inducing items (think velvet, makeup brushes, silk, satin, rose petals, feathers) to treat your erotic skin with new sensations. Dress-up in something you usually wouldn’t, undress your partner to a slow, sexy favorite piece of music, learn a new sexual trick and try it out, wear a wig or high heals or both, have sex with your sexy underwear on, play with each other, under your napkins, during a dinner at a sexy restaurant or do a strip-tease for your lover. Get wild.

Or…sign-up for the Tantra.com Premium Member’s area and create a lifetime of pleasure, enlightenment, hot sex, subtle nuances and far deeper intimacy. It’ll fuel your craving for novelty and will increase your dopamine levels in the ‘good’ sense of addiction!

Blessings,
Suzie Heumann

The Best Sex Positions for Female Orgasms - Part 3

Sometimes it takes becoming more uninhibited to try Rear-Entry Positions. If either partner is self-conscious of their body then that is the first thing to let go of so that both can enjoy this fabulous category of positions. There isn’t a person alive who thinks they have a perfect body.

Gals, most men love looking at jiggling breasts and round buttocks. They aren’t going to be critical if they know you are enjoying every minute of the pleasure the two of you are creating so go for an edge and let go into the experience and the pleasure.

If you haven’t discovered how to find your G-spot yet then that’s a good place to start to amplify the sexual ecstasy from Rear-Entry Positions. There are some good articles on Tantra.com for this. It’s best to explore your G-spot with fingers and dildos before expecting to have orgasms via intercourse. It’s a fast path to G-spot orgasms, once you’ve had a taste of orgasmic sensations with a little sex play, so hang in there. These explorations may also lead to multiple orgasms in women, or men, and possibly female ejaculation.

Without a doubt this is one of the best position groups there is. Your ‘animal’ nature can really let loose! Rear-Entry Positions aren’t always the most appropriate, though. The moment must be right. This is because it’s often more appropriate to be facing each other. Eye contact, breath connection, heart chakra connection and deepened intimacy are all facilitated through facing your partner.

Rear-entry positions enhance G-spot stimulation. In addition, they leave the man’s hands free to touch and stimulate the secondary erogenous zones along the back and buttocks and the breasts and chest, much like the tiger that uses his paws and teeth. Variety is easy to come by in this position. You can adjust the angle of penetration, the ways you move about and the depth of penetration in the basic position. This allows the woman to tailor-make the experience for herself while having a lot of room to increase the pleasure for her partner. It also enables the woman or the man to stimulate her clitoris.

Try this position first up on your knees, instead of having the woman flat, on her stomach. It’s best for her to support herself with both her hands so that she can keep her spine moving and undulating. Make a study of how it feels as this is a base to explore from. Use the different ‘modalities’ of rhythms and depths of penetration. Try pumping and squeezing your PC muscles in this position.

Now, try sitting down on your thighs. What has changed? Take notice. What works for you in this variation when you apply the different ‘modalities’ of movement to the position? Lean forward and lie your head down. This is a good position to stimulate your partner’s inner thighs. You can also help him stay focused on non-ejaculatory pleasure by applying pressure to his perineum (the external area between the anus and the scrotum that covers his Prostate Gland or P-spot). This will help him from going over the top, so to speak.

Keep these exercises soft, fun and explorative. Take your time and enjoy every delicious moment. You are becoming an artist – enjoy it!
Suzie Heumann
Tantra.com

The Best Sex Positions for Female Orgasms Part 2

The famous anthropologist Desmond Morris wrote:

“A group of 27 couples were asked to vary their sexual positions experimentally, employing postures that would allow greater stimulation of the two vaginal 'hot spots', and it was found that three-quarters of the females involved were then able to achieve regular vaginal orgasms.”

In other words, it has been confirmed that becoming more uninhibited and less self-conscious is an important ingredient in freeing orgasms and in producing multiple orgasms in women. Sexual liberation can translate to sexual ecstasy when a sense of freedom and playfulness is brought to lovemaking. Experimenting with even the most subtle of movements, or shifts of a single position, can make a huge difference in getting the right kind of stimulation.

Let’s look at the position from the Kama Sutra called the Splitting of the Bamboo. In this position the woman lies down on her back and the man straddles her as in the Missionary Position. She then raises one of her legs and places it on her lover’s shoulder. Her other leg stretches out to the couples side or she can bring it up closer to her body by bending it at the knee. After a brief time the legs are switched and then switched again creating a back and forth motion that can sweep the head of the lingam across the G-spot in a windshield wiper like fashion.

In this position the woman may discover that one side works far better for her than the other. If the couple decides to stay in that position for a while she can begin to move her buttocks and legs in small, specific ways to increase the friction and pleasure. She can lift her buttocks, shift it to one side slightly, have her lover put a small pillow under her on one side or the other, slide her leg up further on his shoulder – I think you get the picture. There are a million subtle shifts that can occur that will make a significant difference in the results!

None of this is possible, though, unless the woman knows her hot-spots intimately, which is why she must self-pleasure and discover them. Oh, and it takes a lover who is willing to explore and have fun trying new things. Rear Entry Positions are next so stay tuned!

The Best Sex Positions for Female Orgasms

This blog will be a little mini-series of three blogs because this is a big conversation. Surveys and sexuality reports tell us that roughly only 20% of sexually active women have orgasms during intercourse. Assumptions will need to be made about that number because we don’t know if that includes manual stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse or not and several other issues that might skew the statistics. Let’s work with that number, however.

Orgasms are important to women no matter how convincing the idea of being in the pleasure without being goal oriented. Some of the time you can do this and some of the time you want an orgasm, pure and simple. Cultural constraints, modern media, lovers and friends can all influence how you might feel about your body, emotions and your ability to orgasm. You want what she’s having and you want it soon. If that’s the case with you then you’re going to have to know a whole lot more about your body and how it works in order to journey to the fertile fields of G-spot and vaginal orgasms. The positions come after you have the knowledge of your interior topography down and know your hot-spots from your not-spots. Self-pleasuring is the necessary evil! Set aside the time to spend with yourself soon. An hour three days a week should do it.

So here is a quickie lesson. You can find more out at Tantra.com, too. Most women’s clitorises don’t come near to getting the attention that is needed to stimulate that part of the anatomy during intercourse. If any position is going to do this then it is the C.A.T. (Coital Alignment Technique) position (this is a modified Missionary position where the man is on top and he has shifted his body up a bit towards his partner’s head so that his pubic bone rubs on her clitoris in an up and down (head to toe) motion. The other is the Woman on Top where the woman is leaning down, not sitting up, and she is doing the same motions as the man does in the C.A.T. position. That is, she is moving in a head to toe, up and down rubbing motion so that her clitoris is getting stimulated. Both of these positions do not, however, involve much G-spot or deeper A-spot (a spot above the cervix, deeper in the vagina, A is for Anterior Fornex) stimulation.

The first step, in discovering your vaginal, or yoni, hot spots, is to find your G-spot and begin to arouse, investigate and find orgasms through manual or digital (finger, G-spot wand or vibrator) stimulation. You can stimulate your clitoris first as it’s important to be very turned on when investigating your G-spot. Both are very connected with one on the inside and one on the outside, kind of back-to-back. They share nerves, blood flow and vibrational energy with each other! While I personally don’t feel that G-spots like much vibration yours may be different, but I wouldn’t start with a vibrator, I’d start with fingers (yours or a partner’s) or a Lucite wand. I have an earlier blog about the analogy of the upper palate in the mouth and the G-spot location so read it if you want to here. It may help.

Ok, let’s assume you’ll find it and have a good experience with noticing the pleasure, though maybe not an orgasm, in your early sexploration. You can up-the-ante by starting to strengthen your PC muscles by doing Kegel exercises. These will help tremendously; stronger orgasms, healthier pelvic floor, more orgasms, better (no much more) awareness of your body, great sex tricks by you for your lover and a bunch more reasons if you need them. The last and best thing about strong PC muscles is that when you move into more Tantric practices you will be able to move the sexual energy up, throughout your body more easily and effectively. That’s when it all gets really juicy!

So the stage is set for take-off. In a couple of days you’ll see installment two of this mini-series. You’ll discover a set of positions that you can try, modify, and try again to get the best out of them. I'll give you clues and tips for having the best intercourse sex ever.

Creating Intimacy

Doing ‘things’ together does not equal intimacy. Intimacy is the act of showing one’s self to another. It is about being vulnerable and about revealing personal information about one’s self. Intimacy doesn’t occur just between lovers, either. Friends, co-workers, family members and neighbors all require different levels of intimacy. Being intimate with another person heals you and it helps heal them, too. We all want to feel connected, valued and meaningful to others. Scientists understand that it is what keeps us young at heart, healthy and living longer lives.

We think about intimacy as something that is primarily with our significant ‘other’ most often. Having a deep, intimate connection during sex is just about the most fulfilling thing that can happen for lovers. It’s about trusting yourself and your partner. When you give yourself over to vulnerable, open, playful sexuality, sexuality that gently pushes your edges and keeps you taking gentle risks, you see how sweet and easy deepening intimacy can be.

Some things you can do to help create more intimacy with anyone:

• Softly eye gaze with another person for 5 minutes.
  
• Tell something vulnerable to another person. This can be an apology or an admission of something you feel guilty about or a personal learning situation that was difficult for you.
  
• Offer a helping hand to someone and then engage in conversation that is meaningful and stimulating and that revels something about you.
  
• Play a truth telling game of any sort. There are some that are perfect for friends, families and even lovers. Try Dr. Susan Campbell’s Getting Real Game. You can find it here: http://www.susancampbell.com/products/games/index.html
  
• With your lover, try setting up a time, say once a week, when you try something new out during lovemaking. It can be a new position, technique or place (like outside!). Talk about it later and each of you find at least one good thing and one not so good thing about it to revel.

Kama Sutra – The Tsetse Fly

It’s been discovered that if you can stop the genial rubbing of the female tsetse fly then you can slow down the reproduction rate. Duh. (This is important because the tsetse fly carries sleeping sickness in African nations.)

Science Daily reports that: “By snipping off parts of male genitalia and reducing genital sensation in both male and female tsetse flies, researchers induced a suite of changes in female reproduction, including reduced ovulation and reduced sperm storage.

This is wonderful news, though I don’t know how scientists will stop the genital rubbing. How are they going to go around snipping off parts of the male’s genitals?

"The tsetse fly Kama Sutra is long and elaborate," said Eberhard, who described the 30-minute ritual during which the male rubs the underside of the female's abdomen with his hind legs, sings to her by buzzing his wings, rubs her eyes with his front legs, and so on. This sounds great – 30 minute foreplay!

William Eberhard is a staff scientist at the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute and professor of biology at the University of Costa Rica. "We were surprised by the number of female processes that were influenced by modifying the stimuli received by the female from the male's genitalia," said Eberhard.

Science just doesn’t get women yet. There is a lot of catching up to do! But I object to the name ‘Kama Sutra’. It’s an inappropriate use of the name, don’t you think? Geesh. What’s the world coming to.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/05/090514130636.htm

Fearlessness

“The only religion that ought to be taught is the religion of fearlessness.”
Swami Vivekananda

“Fear comes from the selfish idea of cutting one's self off from the universe.”
Swami Vivekananda

“Fear is man's greatest enemy, and it manifests itself in forms as diverse as shame, jealousy, anger, insolence, arrogance...What causes fear? Lack of confidence in oneself.” Swami Prajnanpad

How does a person court fearlessness? Tantricas are known for saying that Tantra is about saying ‘Yes’ to everything. That’s scary if you think about it. But it doesn’t have to be so extreme. What is a little fear that you might tackle? How about during lovemaking? Find something that you would like to transform, to break through a cycle that you know isn’t serving you, and look at what it might take to change it.

As you get older two things can happen; you can either open up more or shut down more. If you begin asking questions about the source of a notion, idea or limitation often you can make a breakthrough that helps you take the next steps towards creating a new way of being or maybe even a practice. ‘Living well’ is an art form and can be perfected by taking small risks.

Maybe it’s about just saying ‘Yes’ sometimes too. Magic can happen when you stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone. You learn new things about yourself and that kind of experience can make you a bigger person. It creates more self-esteem and allows you to trust yourself more. Fearlessness grows on its self and expands you in ways that nothing else can.

The next time you find yourself about to say ‘No’ stop and ask yourself if this time you can say ‘Yes’ and feel good about it. If you can take the calculated risk then do, say ‘Yes’ and watch what happens. If you do it in baby steps things should go well!

Keeping Intentions Grows Your Brain

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We Create Our Own Reality - What Are You Creating?

“The phrase ‘to meditate’ does not only mean ‘to examine, observe, reflect, question, wish’; it also has, in the Sanskrit, a more profound meaning, which is ‘to become’." Krishnamurti

To Become that which you practice is the ultimate goal. This idea then requires us to look at ‘what do we want to become?’ because what we do practice does in fact become us. I am thinking of the times I get frustrated with my husband. He, and I, then become ‘frustration’ unless I hold him in other ways that will counter that ‘practice’ of thinking of him in that way. When I think or ‘meditate’ on “He is so chaotic and stressed.” my guy becomes fixed as those things – chaos and stress. I must confess that it is rarer for me to think of him as ‘brilliant, productive and a hunk’ but he is those things too.

This is scary because quantum physicists pretty much believe that we are what we perceive - literally. We actually do create our world – all of us help perpetuate and create the cultures we live in, the family we grow, our personal life issues and even what Mother Earth looks like. It’s a bit difficult to fathom but this is rapidly becoming common thought today. We are creating everything we see before us.

If this is the case then what are we doing? And when will we wake up to it? Brain scientist and neurobiologists who study long-time meditators say that the neo-cortex of these people is thicker than the average person. The neo-cortex is our higher brain, the part that is the ‘executive’; the one who calls the conscious shots. People who meditate have become able to call on their higher selves better than those who do not meditate. They can calm themselves and stay rational if they need to.

Pretty amazing brains we have. They can grow and change and become what we want to make of them and therefore make of ourselves. Meditation doesn’t have to be hard. Dr. Richard Davidson, from the University of Wisconsin, believes that just one half hour of sitting in contemplation of love and compassion, every day, can add that bulk to each of our brains and make us wiser, calmer, more loving and less judgmental. Now that’s Becoming to me!

Book recommends for those interested in the latest Sex Science

A while back I read May Roach’s Bonk. She’s a journalist who writes about interesting subjects with odd twists and a great sense of dry humor. Bonk is her third book and is about, well, bonking. In one of the chapters she discusses going to Europe with her husband and getting into an imaging machine that takes images of their interiors as they ‘bonk’. Yes, how the lingam meets and greets the yoni! There are a myriad of possibilities!

I want to volunteer! It would be so interesting, and of great importance, to explore subtle angle shifts related to G-spot, clitoral, and anterior fornix orgasms. Just what does it take to actualize vaginal orgasms for women? As I have always said, it’s all about discovering the right angles of penetration for each of us. We’re all different so even small, subtle changes in angle can make big differences.

Here’s a great over-view of the female sexual hot spots by none other than the famous Desmond Morris: . It’s the last line that is the most telling: “It has been claimed that two out of every three women fail to reach regular orgasms from simple penetrative sex. As mentioned above, most of them find that only digital or oral stimulation of the clitoris can be guaranteed to bring them to climax. This must mean that, for them, the two 'hot spots' inside the vagina are not living up to their name. The reason for this, it seems, is monotony in sexual positioning. A group of 27 couples were asked to vary their sexual positions experimentally, employing postures that would allow greater stimulation of the two vaginal 'hot spots', and it was found that three-quarters of the females involved were then able to achieve regular vaginal orgasms.”

I don’t know the origins of this study but I would love to know. If you know please let me know.

Here’s another book that looks good though I have not read it yet myself. I intend to. Sharon Moalem’s How Sex Works: Why We Look, Smell, Taste, Feel, and Act the Way We Do.

And a very good book, especially for those of you who are inclined to be a bit more scientific minded is: The Science of Sex by Beverly Whipple (the first G-spot book was co-written by her), Carlos Beyer-Flores & Barry Komisaruk.


Summer is coming. Time to make your reading lists.
I’ll take more suggestions if you have any…

Free TeleSeminar today 4/22/09 3pm PST

I'm doing a FREE 60-70 minute TeleSeminar today. You can
sign-up here.
I'll be talking about Tantra and Tantric practices in addition to some neurobiology and the reasons why these practices work to expand our experiences and our brain chemistry. I'll be taking live questions on the call so sign-up and let's talk!

Expanding Neural Networks Through Sex

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The Curious Association of The G-spot and The Upper Palate

I often teach that to find where the G-spot is, and how it might feel, you can simply put your thumb in your mouth and feel the rougher, ridged area just beyond your teeth, on the top part of your mouth. Beyond that ridged area is the upper palate and halfway between the upper palate and the ridges is the area that is analogous to the G-spot. There is actually a slightly raised area that is even kidney bean shaped, as is often reported of the G-spot. I find it fascinating that the upper palate seems so close in structure to the vagina and G-spot area.

The upper palate area is filled with nerve endings. Try putting your little vibrator up there sometime and see how it feels! Obviously suckling and eating creates the evolutionary nerve aspects of the sensitivity of the mouth. The erotic feeling of sucking, whether it be some aspect of the anatomy like a nipple, penis or thumb, was developed during infancy to not only create a sensory experience while eating but to provide intimacy training for mother (or primary care giver) and child. The ‘bonding’ chemical oxytocin is produced during nursing and the accompanying eye gazing that occurs between mother and child trains the baby to seek the intimacy of faces, and specifically the eyes, as it grows older. Interestingly, oxytocin is also produced during orgasm.

The upper palate is also the area you place your tongue during advanced breath, energy and meditation work. The tip of the tongue points straight to the fontanel at the top of the head (the ‘soft’ spot) and opens up the nadis or energy channels. During Tantric sex certain positions have the ability to facilitate the movement of energy upwards, too. Positions that apply pressure from the head of the penis onto the G-spot area are particularly affective. Again, there seems to be the potential of a G-spot in the vagina and one in the mouth too.

I discovered this quite a few years back and have never heard anyone else refer to it before. I love oral sex and had wondered why that might be so. Yes, I love to eat, so that is a part of it, but I have noticed that during oral sex it's the slow out-stroke that always gets me. It's the same with intercourse. The long, slow out-stroke is the one that triggers orgasm for me. So what is it about these two very similar areas of the body? Why are they so similar in construction and what might that mean for our pleasure and our ability to build and expand erotic energy? I would love to have feedback from anyone who has experienced orgasm through mouth contact or who recognizes the connection of both G-spot orgasms and erotic stimuli in the mouth too.

Easy Calm Breathing

I’ve been practicing internal circular breathing. I’m calling it this because it feels right but this practice has many names. It came up as a spontaneous practice in the middle of the night a while back. And what I’ve learned is that there really isn’t any right way to do simple breathing practices (more advanced ones are a different story) if you are putting your mind to it, so to speak.

Let me explain. What I am practicing is this: I take a soft, deep breath in as my mind ‘follows’ the breath up my body, just to the inside of my spine from my belly. The breath, mind and eyes follow the movement to the inside back of my skull, circle down the front of the inside of my skull, and as I start to exhale it moves down and out my nose to bathe the front of my body. The cycle starts over, softly and smoothly, as my mind comes back to my belly for the in breath.

This is so relaxing and yet mildly energizing too - no, more like refreshing, I would say. My eyes actually follow the breath and so does my mind. It’s that part – the mind part - that is important. I feel like I am training my mind to focus. It’s a form of meditation that is simple and easy to do. People who meditate have a thicker cortex, that part of your brain that is the higher consciousness and intelligent part. It’s also the part of the brain that ‘over-sees’ the emotional part (the lower, older brain) bringing a calmer, more controlled affect to the personality.

I can always use more of this kind of calm!

Witnessing Spring

I’m reminded of Witness Consciousness today. Spring is busting out all over the place and this makes it relatively easy to be hyper conscious of the beauty and life that is all around us. Forget stress, the economy and my messy house – it’s bursting out there!
It takes many varying practices to become more conscious. Right now I’m paying attention to nature in all of its glory. Last night I was paying attention to breath, sensual sensations and my G-spot. Later today I will even pay good attention to finishing my taxes. It’s all the same. Really.
How does one promote Witness Consciousness? There are many, many ways but I like to use the breath as a starting point. Watching my breath and breathing into my belly – softly, fully – is the practice I like. Years ago I started this practice and would remember it maybe 20 times a day. I would pay attention to how I was breathing. This got me used to remembering multiple times a day to pay attention.
That started my practice of witnessing myself. Then I moved this practice more deliberately to sex. After years of practicing and learning all about my body, my lover’s body and all the myriad ways we could pleasure each other I could finally let go of the ‘thinking’ about those moves and begin to ‘witness’ my self during sexual encounters. This isn’t about judgment or critical thinking or even imagination or fantasy – it’s about the gentle practice of witnessing. To witness one simply watches with ease and wonder what is happening to them.
When we get good at this it becomes really useful. So we’re having some great sex and I notice “ Oh, that is an interesting sensation. I’m going to breathe into that touch and see what happens.” It’s just like that, simple and useful. The ‘witness’ helps us to add on to the experience. When you get really good at this you can really explore and up-the-ante on your experiences, what ever they are. It’s a playful practice that becomes an increasingly interesting sort of arousal stimulator. And I’m using it today because of the beauty all around me – nature is arousing me and I’m using this experience to make it even more exquisite so I can enjoy the taxes and enjoy the garden and enjoy the sex and enjoy the life!

The Antidote To Hard Times - Love Lessons

Mark Morford in his column at SFgate.com spoke wise words that got a bit of flack from many commentators on Wednesday (3.11.09). Roughly 25 to 30 percent of comments and votes thought he was spouting ‘drivel’ when he suggested making love a lot more in a down economy. Why, because it’s, well, you check: Have Sex for Free!

Curious numbers those 25-30 percent against this idea. These are certainly not the ‘Cultural Creatives’ (Thank you Paul Ray) who aspire, I’m sure, to more ‘Make Love, Not War’ kinds of slogans. Cultural Creatives are supposedly about 25-30% of the population. They like things like organic, ecology, right-livelihood, yoga – you get the picture and I’m sure they would be true believers in having a lot more free sex in down times, or in any times for that matter.

Near the end of his offering Morford states: “Is this all there is to it?” and then: “…God - can something truly innovative and revolutionary be born. You think? I can't be quite sure. Someone get me some porn and drugs.” Ah, rather than porn, what if the revolution brought us to love, compassion, helpfulness, more love, sex, more sex, expanded consciousness, innovative living and cheaper dates?

Cultural Creatives certainly must be proponents of Western Tantric Sex. That kind of sex might just get you out of your negative thinking and into the present. It might actually make you healthier, wiser and more resilient. What if we might have to play our own music while engaging in a love position from the Tantric or Kama Sutra manuals while eating organic delicacies from our own garden and smoking homegrown from our hookah?

And, for that matter, what if we actually had time to pay attention to our children and take joy in helping them learn and (shriek) play with them outside in the dirt of the garden. What a concept that would be – to actually spend time with and get to know your family.

Back to Tantric Sex - It’s got all the right components for these times. It produces oxytocin (bonding), pheromone transmission (luv drugs!), dopamine (cheap highs), balance (lots of different good chemicals), inner knowing, harmonious relating (stress-busting neurochemicals), newness in love relationships (avoids stress of divorce, cheating and adds a lot more playful fun) and basically, it’s FREE. Consciousness PLUS love is what’s called for and needed in our coming future.

PS: If you want to learn much more about it, it will actually cost you a little something over at Tantra.com’s Premium Member’s Area but there’s a whole bunch of stuff FREE over here/there too.

Do You Want to Be Connected or Connected?

Are we really willing to go without touch, kissing, pheromones, orgasms, tender whispers and all of the exquisite accompaniments to Love this easily?

A study released this week from Germany on 19-29 year olds being willing to let go of their partner instead of their Internet connection and their cell phones is astonishing, to say the least. Maybe it is a generational thing. After all I’m in my mid fifties and have really only had a cell phone for maybe a tenth of my life (I was a late hold-out for no cell phone!). Two of my daughters have had cell phones for at least half of their lives, however, and they are in their 20’s. And they have had access to computers for almost all of their lives. So to them the use of these technology tools is ubiquitous. Yet I don’t think they would agree with this survey.

I’m not going to analyze it. I can’t because it is not ‘me’. What I’m addicted to is the deep connection that comes from love and sex and the ‘drugs’ that it produces in me. As humans we become kind of ‘addicted’ to oxytocin, the bonding chemical, dopamine, the desire chemical, pheromones, the attraction chemicals and on and on. These potent chemical messengers are what draw us to connect with another person. They become active when we get physically close to another person, not through cell phone connections.

I have always imagined and longed for a time when many people adopt Tantric practices. I believe the sexual part of Tantra is necessary for the consciousness part to evolve into an equilibrium of conscious love, compassion and a personal understanding of the depth within each of us. But this requires being physically close to others, whether they are lovers or not. It is pretty scary to think that the next generations, in some places, don't have this framework by which to live their lives. Tantric practices are now needed more than ever.

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