Kissing Lessons

How do you kiss? How does your lover do it? Is there something you can learn about kissing? Many men and women complain that their lover doesn’t know how to kiss very well, and that their kissing actually turns them off. Kissing is one of the most sensuous, erotic and thrilling things couples can do together. It can be done just about anywhere. So, what’s to keep you from being a great kisser?

Our mouths, lips and tongues are alive with nerve endings. Voluptuous lips are one of the sexual stimuli that turn on both men and women. We wouldn’t love eating nearly as much if we didn’t like the texture of things in our mouths. Kissing has an erotic power over us and the better you are at it the more you’ll get kissed. The pleasure you can deliver and derive from kissing can be expanded to take on an importance of its own.

Lesson One: Wet your lips generously right now. Use your tongue and moisten them well. Put your lips together in an exaggerated pout. As you pout, rub the insides around on each other and feel the silkiness of your own inner lips. Imagine kissing that part of your mouth. Now, again exaggerating the pout, part your lips slightly so you can just suck a little air in through the opening. That is how your lips should feel when you are about to kiss someone: moist, juicy, voluptuous, open, and inviting.

Lesson Two: Kiss the back of your own hand as practice. You should leave a wet mark and make a small, seductive smack as you finish it. Slight suction can be felt when a full set of lips meets the skin. Attitude plays a big part in kissing, too. Are you being seductive and coy or lustful and aggressive? Practice different attitudes while sucking and kissing various exotic fruits, such as a mango, a peach or nectarine, or maybe papaya. Peel the skin away and practice different styles of kissing while you’re eating it. Nobody is going to see you, so go for it!

Lesson Three: Try recreating your first kissing experiences. Tell your partner that you want to practice with them. Pretend you know nothing. Ask for pointers. You want to be a great kisser! Surrender some of the time. Be aggressive at other times. Dance back and forth with soft, slightly open, moist full lips.

Lesson Four: Don’t introduce your tongue until after you’ve been kissing for a while. Wait until you and your lover yearn for it. When you do start tongue play, do be playful. Tickle and tease. Run the tip of your tongue around the inside of your lover’s lips. Give them a little tongue, then pull back and nibble at one lip. Run a finger erotically across their inner lips and then leave it in the corner of your mouths while kissing. This gives a sense of urgency to the deeper kisses and adds extra sensuousness to the act.

Sensuously introduce warm chocolate, juice, or a liqueur into your lover’s mouth before kissing. Share it back and forth. Lick the drips off of their lips in the most luscious way you can. Use your soft lips to kiss your lover’s body all over. Ears are highly erogenous, so kiss, lick, nibble, suck and bite an ear lobe and breathe softly into the ear. You can create even more sensual pleasure if you slip down and kiss and bite the neck. In Tantric practice the lower lip on the man provides a direct channel to his sexual organ’s excitement, so gently suck and kiss this exquisite area, too. Get creative and have fun!

How do you instruct a new lover in kissing? What do you like and what don't you like in a good kisser? Let me know!


What's Oxygen Got To Do With It?

My current fascination involves a deeper understanding of the workings of our bodies related to orgasm, pleasure and the possible ways of increasing both of those. You’ll hear more in the future about the relationship between pain and pleasure, oxytocin, love and bonding and brain functioning and orgasm in this column. This one is about oxygen and blood flow for optimum sexual functioning.

It’s been said that the clitoris has 8,000 nerve ends. I read that fact in Natalie Angier’s Woman; An Intimate Geography. She’s a great writer, by the way. These nerve endings, or neurons more precisely, use oxygen when they are excited. The more ‘excited’ they are the more oxygen is required to keep that excitement up. This is a feedback loop that suggests that the more oxygen you can give the blood to genital delivery system the more bang you might get for your effort. What happens to the blood supply as it is coursing through the body during sexual arousal is that it gets depleted of oxygen as the blood supplies the genital region with more and more oxygen. Certain factors work to relax the walls of the blood vessels, in the genital region, as arousal builds. This relaxation also helps increase the supply of blood and, therefore, oxygen. One of those ‘factors’ is probably nitric oxide, which the supplement L-arginine helps produce in the body.

Back to the subject: How does one supply an increasingly large amount of oxygen to the clitoris, labia and G-spot area? This is the connection that deep belly breathing has to pleasure and orgasmic response. Many women actually stop breathing when they get really turned on. On a scale of 1 to 10 at about the 7 or 8 level a woman will often simply stop breathing. They hold their breath and tighten their bodies. That puts an immediate stop to any new oxygen that is needed for the pelvis and yoni (Sanskrit for Vagina) neurons. Many women report that they get to a certain stage of arousal and then, for reasons they just can’t figure out, they slow down and often fall back down the building curve to orgasm. Their bodies will relax and they will naturally start breathing again only to have the same thing happen, again. It’s a frustrating situation that isn’t easily discovered naturally.

What she really needs to do is breathe faster and harder to supply the critical oxygen needed to sustain and build her turn on such that she brings herself to orgasm. This is where practicing breathing every day, until you have mastered it, will really pay off. There are benefits far beyond orgasm but let’s stick with the big ‘O’ for now. Practice deep breathing every morning before you get up and every night before you go to sleep. Five minutes will do. By placing a hand on your belly and softly forcing your hand up on the in breath you’ll know you are doing it right. Have your lover remind you to breathe when you are making love. If you are self-loving make a little sign to remind yourself to breathe. Practice breathing faster, too. Pant for about 15 breaths and then let it out slowly through pursed lips. Use this faster breath when you are at that 6, 7 or 8 level to consciously ‘drive’ your arousal. Play with these techniques and you’ll notice that the science is working to bring you closer to your goals!

Side note: The two books I am currently reading are How to Know Go(o)d by Candace Pert and The Science of Orgasm by Beverly Whipple, Barry Komisaruk and Carlos Beyer-Flores. Beverly Whipple brought us the first book on the G-spot along with John Perry almost thirty years ago. She has been researching orgasm (and primarily women) at Rutgers University for many years. Candace Pert is the eminent researcher on the molecules that drive our emotions.


Locate Your G-spot!

Here's an easy clue to understanding where, in your yoni (vagina), the G-spot is. Take your clean thumb of your dominant hand and place it in your mouth as if you were going to suck your thumb. Feel for the ridge area just behind your upper teeth. This will feel bumpy. Just beyond this area your thumb will go deeply towards your upper palate area. Back up just a tiny bit to the wall between the two areas. Press very firmly here and notice a sort of bump right in the middle of the wall. That spot is analogous to where your G-spot is in your yoni. It is amazing that the structures are so very similar from mouth to yoni and (pet theory) I believe that this area may have some very erotic functions of its own. It may be connected by nerves to the upper lip in women and the ancient Taoists say that sucking the upper lip of a woman, while kissing, will turn her on. The soft palate is also the place where meditators and Tantrikas place the tips of their tongues to transmit and circulate energy.



Tantra is a way of being in and of the world. In the Tantric view all life and every aspect of creation including sexuality is celebrated and held as sacred. Loosely, Tantra means to 'weave', to weave the world together. The supreme goal of Tantric philosophy is to come to the realization and understanding that everything is everything. That there isn't any dualistic aspect to life. That we are all 'one', The One - you, me, rocks, dogs, trees, children, water, spirit, air, cancer, love, sex, men, women, emotions - you name it, it's all One.

That's what is happening right now in our modern world. We are beginning to see that we have affected and infected out planet, that same place that supports us IS us. Saddus, Tantricas and Shaman are all beginning to speak of the Hindu concept of Time - the 4 Yugas or periods of universal time. We are in the Kali Yuga, the last, bad time period before the earth, and its beings, come around to the Beginning time again.

Things are quickening. Many discoveries are being made and with the speculation about the advent of 2012 in the atmosphere one begins to wonder if the Hindus are on to something. Not to scare you but "We are the ones we've been waiting for!" is beginning to look pretty appropriate.

What to do about it? Open your eyes and look around you. What can you do to rock your world? What conscious transformations might occur if you went out of your way to help others more? What if you began to see your lover as a Goddess or God all of the time, not just when they are doing something you want them to do for you? What if you decided to donate more of your salary? Or volunteer at your local food bank? Or...practice consciously witnessing yourself more so that you might transform your speech patterns, or anger or the narrow way you need to be pleasured or... You get the picture.

Open yourself up and say "Yes" more to the things that might seem like a stretch to you. Expand yourself to receive more pleasure or give more time to your children or your lover or even at work. Try it and see if the Universe supports you. Watch and witness what happens and with that feedback shift and do it again so that you are honing the new skill set you want to have.

Your life is magical if you want it to be. We use a tiny amount of our brains and bodies and souls. You have much more capacity than you know. I'm not talking about adding stress to your life. I'm talking about finding ways to transform it. It's an on-going project that is your life. The Hindus say that the very most important thing you can do with your precious life is to find out what purpose you were put here for and DO IT! Give yourself away in a way that is satisfying to you. You will blossom and grow in exponential ways!