A New Purpose for Sex: Unplug Into the 'Now'

When we first fall in love sex is often a fevered, fumbling and sometimes unconscious act. All of our interest is focused on the object of our love and we are overwhelmed by it with a constant awareness process of the beloved. It's satisfying, to a point. After a period of time things slow down and you're left with finding new, edgier and slightly exciting things to do to keep your interest from waning.

Doctor Helen Fisher would say that you have left the Dopamine era of new love and entered the bonding phase where Oxytocin plays the favored part. Dopamine drives desire and the satiation of that desire by some kind of a reward. The 'reward' in new love is the attention from the other and the continued feelings that the love chemicals pump into your brain and body. This often drives sex. Oxytocin comes into play when the couple moves to the next step of setting up a household and possibly having a child.

Long lasting love, or pair bonding love, is associated with the time needed to, at the very least, raise a child to the age of about four or five years old. In ancient times that is the age that the child could keep up with the 'tribe', fend for itself in some ways so that the mother may not need the father's care, especially if there is tribal or societal care to help raise the child. Our love interests still run on old scripts from thousands of years past! But there is evidence that things are changing.

Ok, let's keep that intense, new love stuff, the dopamine high. Then, if two people decide that they are very much in love and want to move to the next steps of relationship the 'cuddle' affect takes over. And though sex may slow down the bond between the lovers gets tighter. Then a few years go by, there are babies and careers and a mortgage and responsibilities galore. Time seems to have disappeared and stress can seem to take center stage. What does love look like now?

It turns out our brains are growing and changing all of our lives. Scientists didn't used to think this was so. They are proving themselves wrong and it now has a name: plasticity. With recent studies on meditators and yogis showing marked increases in brain volume, increased immune response and the ability to show higher cortical, or executive function control, all the reasons for being in the present time or Now are coming to bare. And the practices of Western Tantric Sex can bring you into the Now with some of the benefits the meditators derive from exactly the same Now-ness.

People who meditate can quickly access the Theta Wave state that is indicative of deep relaxation. Deep breathing, mindful relaxation techniques, massage, yoga and no-goal Tantric sex practices can bring you to a super-relaxed state of mind. Once you have these experiences available to you in your growing, plastic brain you'll be able to draw on this relaxation, and low-stress condition, whenever you need to.

Set 30 minutes a day aside for practicing being in the Now with your lover. Make Love be a meditation, of sorts, at least some of the time. This is a more feminine approach, guys, but that doesn't mean hot sex is going to be a thing of the past. It just needs balance, like everything in life.

Begin by positioning yourselves so that you can gaze into each others eyes. This begins the oxytocin drip and re-enforces bonding between you. Oxytocin increases calm, trust, empathy and generosity too.

Breathe together. This synchronizes the heart, body and emotional state and lowers blood pressure. You can 'spoon' or sit opposite each other for these practices. In the 'spoon' position add slow, gentle pelvic rocking, in unison, as an advanced practice. This will relieve the stress of the day on your lower back in addition to putting you more in synchronization. You can set an intention, and vision it together, if you'd like, also.

Design a gentle massage exchange. Even if this is simply 10 minutes apiece it can transform you both, especially when done every day. Reverently start with adoring your beloved by softly touching their face, neck, eyelids, ears, lips and cheeks. You can then move to their arms, legs, torso, breasts, back, feet and buttocks. Don't strain, this is to be relaxing for both of you. It's about the skin-to-skin touch and not necessarily a deep tissue massage. You may even include a bit of soft fur, silk fabric, rose petals or a feather to massage with sometimes. Relax.

Take 30 minutes, every day you can, for this kind of recharge. Make a study of it and experience the differences you'll feel by the end of your experiment. Create your own super-relaxing practices that work well for you. Bring an attitude of focus, relaxation, mindfulness and reverence to the practices. If a great sexual experience sometimes follows then wonderful, but take the pressure off to start, because life seems to be about the pressure these days so let it happen naturally.

1 comment:

Best Adult Toys said...

Excellent post Suzie. All your posts are fantastic! One of the most common questions I hear for couples is "how to get the fire back in their love life?" and I think your recommendation in this post is an excellent way for couples to reconnect and rediscover each other in a new intimate way. Thanks!

Missy K
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